I'll admit that having an outlet for the things I'm not supposed to say is pretty alluring, though...because apparently people aren't supposed to say certain things anymore and my brain didn't manage to get many of those memos, because I still think about most of them. so, I decided to post some of my "secrets" (I'd rather just call them thoughts, but whatever.)

- even though I'm 26 and I TEACH at a middle school...I still sometimes look at the popular kids and jealously wonder what it'd be like to be them.

- I think I was more interesting when I was single and a virgin and naive and young. or at least, I think people thought I was more interesting...I don't know what the difference is between being interesting and people thinking I'm interesting is.

- I think I would like to die by suicide one day. preferably by the age of 40, if I don't die some other way first.

- my husband wants kids. I've told him I do too, and I do...but then I don't. I'm afraid to be a mother. I think it will make me feel even older and less important than I feel now.

- I'm also afraid to have kids because if something ever happened to K, I would be forced to continue raising them alone. and I don't think I would want to.

- oddly enough though, I think it would be really cool to be pregnant.

- I've signed up to be an egg donor, but I'm terribly afraid that I will never be good enough for anyone to chose me.

- I feel prettier than I am. as in, I like myself inside, but I get disappointed when I look in a mirror. I don't think I match my outsides...and I don't know if that makes sense.

- I think passing the mensa test had an adverse effect on my mental capability, not to mention ego. was it a fluke, am I just good at answering those kinds of tests, was I one of those really small rarities that guessed correctly consistently? I'm really pretty stupid a lot, and now I feel like I'm supposed to be smart...but I don't feel smart...so it makes me feel even dumber.

- I think being gay is just a personal sexual preference, not something one is 'born with'. I also don't think homosexuals should marry and raise kids.

- I really like the fact that I've only had sex with my husband. I like not having anyone else I can compare him to.

- I don't think my husband is the hottest guy in the world. he's cute, yes, but not in the typical definition of 'hot' way. even still, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE looking at him and knowing all of his mannerisms. they turn me on more than anything else.

- sometimes I wish I was born Amish. I think I'd be happier being simpler.

- I think the key to life is pretending you know less than you really do.

- I wish they'd stop telling people you can be whatever you want to be and instead just tell us what to do. I think we'd be happier if we didn't think happiness was a right...then we might actually value it enough to pursue it.

- this stuff felt good to write. I'd write more, but my stomach wants food.

- I miss the old days of diaryland.

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.