Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 4:54 p.m.

the whole "that's hot" experience :(

ok, so my crazy trip on production of simple life 2 is over. as much as i just wanted it all to be over a lot of times, i now miss it really bad. and i want to write a really long entry just talking about it. so as with a lot of my entries recently, this one will probably be boring to read, unles someone has some weird facination reading other people's long reflections about random parts of their lives, in which case, go right ahead...

i think one of the reasons i liked the trip so much was that i felt that i gave a true representation of me. i wasn't trying to be anyone, which is what i think i've still done with a lot of my life, even after i graduated college and left acu.

i started off the trip screwing up everything. i was definitely the worst p.a. i thought my whole career in the entertainment business was going to be over before it began. i felt very young. and inexperienced. and stressed out. one guy even told me the other day that i seemed to have changed a lot from the beginning of the trip. he said that i was super stressed and spastic at the beginning. i didn't think i was that bad, but maybe i was.

all i know is that i worked hard to prove that i could do what it takes. and i really think i did.

and the best part of all of it is that i was me throughout the whole process. and i felt like i came out of the whole thing still liked by the rest of crew.

and i think that's something that we all kinda long for: to be liked, but be liked for who we are.

i really think i've changed some, and that's so weird to think that working on a stupid reality show could've made a difference in my life. but i guess when you think about it, everything you do makes a difference in your life, whether you notice it or not.

i think that once i gave up and realized that i couldn't have control over the chaos that WAS the production, and all i could do was do my best and go with the flow, that everything started working out. which is actually a really good life lesson i neeed to learn: i just can't have control over everything. i stress way too much. i also think way too much, which i think adds a great deal to my stress level.

i'm just not gonna care anymore. well, at least not about everything.

i no longer have a job. but i'm ok with this. yesterday i got two contacts at nbc, and today i was given three email addresses at other big-name reality show companies. i'll find something.

my lease is up next month and i don't know where i'll live. and i'm also ok with this. i'm also sure that i'll find something - this is l.a. there's lots of places to live.

it seems like when you don't stress about trying to make things work out right, they end up working out better than you could've planned anyways.

looking back, i'm really surprised that i was able to leave this whole thing feeling as though i'd done a good job. where just a few weeks ago i really thought that there was no way i had the right personality to make it here, i now feel really confident that i can not only do a good job, but that i can also play the chess-game that is this industry and make it somewhere, without compromising me.

only i'm still not sure exaclty what i want to do: write, produce, direct? reality, comedy, drama, documentary? film, tv? i need to figure that out.

but in all honesty, i don't think i really want to be any of those. ultimately, i want to teach. i want to live in a small town and open up a local movie theatre and show indie films. i want to run a camp during the summers. i want to marry and have kids and grow green beans and go camping with my family and volunteer and make people happy and write a book on something or other.

but before i settle down and do something normal, i want to prove to myself that i had the ability to be more. that i had the ability to "make it". i want to do something cool, something so foregin to the world i grew up in, just to know that i was capable of doing anything if i put my mind to it.

super deep down though, i don't want to do any of those things. super deep down i just want to be a mom. i want to go back in time 50 years, before the whole women's lib thing, and just be a housewife and provide for my family. i just want a simple life.

the ability to choose what you want to do in life is too complicated. i'd almost rather just be told. (i sound like i belong hundreds of years ago, huh?)

but still, this entertainment industry is what i'm choosing to do for right now. and it's exciting. and i hope i continue to change in all right the right ways from it.

and this trip changed me a little in a good way, actually.

i'm not always this great person, but hey, i try. just like what i learned from the show, i try to take all the chaos and while i may not be able to make sense of it all, i can do my best to go along with the flow and come out in one piece.

and remembering this new little motto: "don't stress about things working out right, because they'll probably just end up working out better than i could've planned anyways" helps too! :)

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