Thursday, Apr. 21, 2005 6:30 p.m.
a moment of serenity
so I had a moment of serenity today. they sent me out to run something to set, and so for the hour round trip I was by myself driving in the Texas hill country�god, I miss Texas � it�s perfect this time of year. all the wildflowers are out: bluebonnets, buttercups, indian paintbrushes, black-eyed susans, intermingled in the tall grass and weeds on the side and middle of the highway...
I just felt so well, bold, in the midst of all of it, if that makes sense. bold as in I felt like I stood out from my surroundings, but in a secret, non-obvious way. I felt right, I felt at home, I felt like the world existed for me.
I listened to the radio and heard songs that took me back to high school, to college, to California, to all different times in my life. I noticed how the trees on all the hillsides in the distance resembled blotches of different shades of green�
we were shooting in an elementary school. as I walked around looking for the person I was supposed to be looking for, something felt right, something felt exciting. I loved being in a school � the craft projects on the wall, the pencil machine, the short water fountains. production people running around like crazy, seeing a classroom being transformed into a set, pelican cases, cameras, sticks, stingers all over the place�this was production. this was production that I loved, that I longed to be part of.
on the drive back to the production office, I took a quick inventory of my life. here I was, back in Texas, back in its� slight humidity, back in all my childhood, swarmed with memories. and here I am�now, �grown up�, with a real, albeit unconventional, job. about to get married. living in another state. with my own life. and ultimately, I�m content.
and though my bubble of serenity suddenly burst when I returned to the production office and got bombarded with more details to deal with, I still had that moment today. and I�m holding on to that moment. the scarcity of moments like those on this trip are what make them so unbelievably meaningful.
I should be doing a thousand other things right now and there's a thousand other things going on around me, but I'm tuning out the world and writing this. I have to preserve that moments' existance, I have to remember that I felt it. I need it.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.