Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004 8:58 a.m.

seriously bored

i think i'm just gonna keep adding new entries every day for awhile. i don't care if they're boring.

i'm boring. and getting really bored.

i've already done everything i'd ever planned on doing if i ever had any free time. i woke up at 6am this morning since i went to bed at 10pm last night and though i couldn't really sleep anymore i just kinda tried to make myself go back to sleep and dream about something. dreaming can be more exciting than being awake sometimes.

i miss being busy. i feel like the only way i can be busy now is if i'm spening money. even if it's just in gas and food, that's still spending money. i miss being super busy AND making money at the same time.

i want to write or read with all this time, but for some reason, when i don't feel like i only have precious bits of time in which to do them, i tend to become bored with the whole thing and always end up falling asleep...and it's not like i need more sleep, either.

it's a saturday morning. i should be passed out til noon like a normal person. i am normal sometimes, just not today. i've got plans to go out tonight with a friend, though, so that's good and i'll feel normal again.

i did read a brave new world though, which i somehow missed out on in school. it was really really interesting, i still haven't gotten it out of my head.

i also miss guys. does that sound stupid? on the trip there were always guys on crew around, not even necessarily to flirt with, but just to be around. and by the end i developed little crushes on several of them. i need a little crush again. they're exciting.

actually, i need a boyfriend. i think i've needed one for awhile. but i also think that i'm absolutely horrible when it comes to pursuing guys. i just don't know how to do it. i've met a bunch of guys out here and several that i'd like to know more, but well, i don't know, i think maybe i get scared to pursure any farther because i get real indecisive and wonder if maybe i can meet someone better or if being single will be more fun...that probably sounds so horrible to say, doesn't it?...but i guess it's kinda true. what i need is a guy who can be really patient and not give up on me when it seems like i don't know what i want.

of course, that's asking a whole lot out of a guy and i don't blame none of them for being up for the challenge. i wouldn't be. i mean, i'm just another girl, you know? they can probably find someone else who actually knows what they want more.

ok. i should probably stop rambling at some point and figure out what to do today. i could take out the trash. or do the dishes. i'd go the beach, but i went yesterday. maybe i'll go hiking somewhere. by myself. i tend to do a lot of things by myself sometimes. i like being by myself, but sometimes i hate it too.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.