Thursday, Apr. 24, 2008 7:07 p.m.

blah and discouraged

it crept over me suddenly, though it been broken into thoughts in my head for a while.

K caught me off guard in an email yesterday, the reluctance at first to accept it as being a serious comment has now sunk into a minor depression for me. a few emails today confirmed the same feelings for him.

how long do you keep pushing for something? when is the right time to give up, accept defeat and find a second best you can be happy in?

and after pushing for so hard, will there ever even be something second best that can be happy?

something about the last job broke me. not outwardly, of course, but destroyed my desire to continue this position. I want to feel important, needed, necessary, not like dead weight just being paid to be there and every once in awhile make people mad at me for trying to stick to the law.

I love my random and frequent off days at home, doing nothing. I love the flexibility of my job, of being able to feel like I'm up for anything.

but I'm getting worn out. I want some type of structure. I want my body to adjust to waking up at the same time, of coming home at the same time, of knowing I can make and keep dentist appointments without having to cancel the day before if I get a job. I hate not being able to commit to anything, unless it's serious enough to give up a possible day of work.

maybe it's cause my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and that's what I grew up seeing, subconsciously instilling this image of adulthood into my mind. As much as I want to be something and someone important, I also long for that structure of life that seems as though it's supposed to come with adulthood.

I feel too old to begin again at something new, or perhaps too worn out, realizing that the world is not full of dreams waiting to be fulfilled; but just days of struggling to obtain something you don't even know is obtainable.

K sent me an email today of a house for sell in Texas. A big house, 3 bedroom, 2 bath, office. $175,000. A house the same size would be $800,000 here.

I was looking up teaching jobs today. not that I want to work in a school, but I do like the idea of a starting salary being $42,000. you know it's got to be bad if a teacher's salary starts to look like a lot of money.

K mentioned yesterday that he can't stand this city anymore. that he's lost the magic of being here.

I think we're both tired. tired of trying to make it; we should be somewhere now.

I was fine until his email yesterday. then it got me thinking. I don't want to do this anymore either.

fuck. I just want to have a house and a garden and a kid or two and make dinner every night and teach my kids about life and just, well, be normal.

I just want a normal life. I can't believe I'm saying this. but I am.

am I going to grow old being like this?

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.