Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005 11:24 p.m.
good year vs. great year
I think the guys I�m working with on this show forget that I�m a girl. they�ve long stopped apologizing for making crude jokes or talking about other girls in front of me. I grew up in a family of all girls, so this opportunity to see into a man�s world just cracks me up. and in a really weird way, I think I�m actually learning something about them. the joke for yesterday was: �whats the difference between a blimp and 365 nights of blow jobs?? one�s a goodyear, and one�s a GREAT year!� yeah. then one of the married guys started complaining about how since he got married, his wife stopped giving him head. and then he announced outloud that I needed to remember if I wanted to keep my husband happy�and well, he stopped the sentence there � but I think the rest was pretty obvious� last night I went and had a few beers with 3 of the guys � one was married, the others had girlfriends. they asked me a few normal questions about my fianc�, and then they asked a question that for some reason is sticking with me: �so why do you want to get married?� I think they meant it lighthearted, as they had just been joking about the unfortunate side effects of having a wife/girlfriend�which is mostly that they couldn�t hook up with random hot chicks anymore. but still, something in the question hit me hard� I answered, �cause I want to.� and let the question slip into the land of thank-god-it�s-forgotten-conversations�though secretly I haven�t forgotten it. and I�ve been mulling it over in my head all day long. am I being stupid? am I being silly? am I acting on passion? am I being illogical? do I know what I�m getting into? do I realize what I�m giving up? is marriage worth it? is the independence of being single better? I answered the guys last night honestly: I�m getting married because I want to get married. I want a partner for life. I want the hard times, and I want to succeed in fighting through them together. I want the challenge of honoring a commitment. I want to feel. deeply. even this present, horrible, overwhelming ache of being away from him. but I just have to wonder...am I going to be dissatisifed in marriage in a couple of years? am I going to experience the "seven year itch"? am I going to feel like I made a rash decision, that I was too young and too in love to know what I was doing? is being married really as worth it as I think it will be? perhaps I am just naive, but I really think that it will be.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.