Friday, Apr. 30, 2010 10:23 p.m.

emotionally in touch

In the past several years, I have noticed myself becoming a much more emotional person. Not in an outwardly way, but inwardly. In my late teens/early twenties, I often found myself devoid of emotion. I hardly ever got teary eyed at movies or tv shows. I hardly ever felt deeply. I'd think deeply, that's for sure, but feel? I don't know. If I did, I never showed it.

I don't know exactly what's happened to me, though I do have a couple hypotheses, but things seem to affect me more. I get teary-eyed A LOT more often while watching tv/movies. Like right now, I was just watching "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and started crying with one of the people died. I sometimes have a tear in my eye when watching movies that I don't even like...but a scene, or the thought of a scene happening in real life, seems so much more sad to me than it ever did 5 or so years ago.

First off, I've kind of embraced these new found emotions, so they're not necessarily a bad thing. They've made life fuller for me - made me better able to experience both happiness and sadness. And there's something overall fulfilling about being filled with an emotion. And I know how to handle my emotions; I'm still a very logical person. I may give into my emotional side more often now, but I do know when I have to ignore it and "perform" in the real world.

With that said, what has changed to bring about this new part of me?

a) I honestly think that falling in love with K and understanding what true love/commitment/marriage is all about may be the biggest change in me. Allowing myself to become open to him and to experience feelings for him definitely changed me. I don't think I had ever found a person that I mentally would allow myself to become as vulnerable to before him.

b) This may sound weird, but I honestly kind of wonder if the hormones from the 4 egg donations I've done have had anything to do with it. I don't really want to think that I could have caused any long-term effects from the hormones I injected into my body...but I'm pretty sure that the drugs can cause slight short-term emotional effects (come on, they're hormones! hormones make us crazy! :) ) and they're haven't really been any studies on long-term effects. So you never know...and I completely would not be surprised...

c) Well, this one seems a bit minor and only applies to specific circumstances. But yes, the whole inability-to-conceive thing really affects me too. I watch/read stories about babies and I lose it. Especially when I hear about miscarriages or child loss. And I'm not even a mother yet. I've just been so exposed to the struggle that so many women face in order just to get pregnant...and I can only imagine the excitement I'd feel if I ever got a second line...and then to have it come crashing down on me weeks later. I just can't completely imagine it. But I can feel the pain somehow.

Which partially explains why the miscarriage of the lady I last donated to affected me as much as it did. It just doesn't seem right. It makes all the earlier excitement and drama of the last-minute-wronged-cycle-cancel-doctor-switch seem completely pointless. I've always been so optimistic before. It feels slightly like my loss. I can't explain it (well, I probably could if I tried, but I don't want to try), but it's true. I feel a loss. Not for me. But for her.

Anyways...the whole point of this entry is that I find myself better able to feel emotion recently. And while I think that falling in love had to do with it, I also wonder if my quadruple hormone-blast had anything to do with it also.

I don't know if I'll ever know.

But I'm going to go back to watch another episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" while waiting for K to come home so we can start packing for the official move tomorrow.
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