Sunday, May. 04, 2003 8:14 p.m.
who will like me?
I�m a loser. I think I have this horrible vain longing to be liked. I don�t want to be �cool��I just want to be liked. I want people to remember me and say, �oh, I really liked her, she�s such a cool girl�.
Why do I care so much!!?? Why do I want to be liked? Why do I sit here and long for a guy�I usually act so confident about my dating status�but in all reality � I want to be dating someone and in a relationship so bad!! But why do I want this? I don�t really think I want a man just so someone will like me�I want someone that I can share conversations, random times and parts of my life with. I want someone to share parts of their life with me. Maybe I am wanting this so badly right now because of all that is going on in my life � I�m basically leaving everything stable in my life I�ve know for the past four years, and because making the high school/college jump was not as self-reliant as the college/real world jump will be, I�m also basically leaving everything I�ve known for the majority of my life. Some of my friends went to college with me�none of them will enter the real world with me.
I�m scared�but the thing that makes me scared is the same thing that thrills me. Maybe I so desperately want a guy right now because I want someone there who knows me, both before and after. I want someone to share things with, and I�m moving away from everyone I consider close to me. And though we will try, things will never remain the way they are now.
It�s a strange, unguided world here, leaving college. For the first time ever in my life, there are no expectations of me whatsoever�if I decided tomorrow that I wanted to move to South America and become a photographer, well,�I could. This freedom is freaky. It�s like graduating from high school, knowing that there�s a whole new world ahead of you, and that the past four years will soon be but an insignificant memory�only it�s ten times greater.
6 more days.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.