Tuesday, May. 10, 2005 9:59 p.m.

suicide emails

I just checked my 'other' email address - the one I associate with my website and this diary. I had two emails about suicide and one about marriage. I know I'm sometimes shallow or boring or petty in this diary (especially as of late), but when I email people or when I write new essays, I try to pour my heart into them and write with complete honestly and sincerity.

writing the two girls about suicide started me empathizing and remembering the depression I went through the beginning of college. it all comes back to me when I write some of these emails.

life is really weird when you're depressed and suicidal. but then, it's also really weird when you're not depressed and suicidal. both attitudes make sense when you are experiencing them, and their opposites seem impossible to attain.

I don't miss being depressed, but its almost as though a weird small part of me sometimes still longs for it. I think it's like a weird addiction - I know that it's always there if I choose to go back to it, and I know that it would unfortunately welcome me back with open arms. arms that are open, yet deceivingly suffocating. I'd feel part of myself die if I ever sank back into depression.

I miss my intelligent self. I miss philosophizing. I miss the deep conversations in my mind that lead to the depression I know I hate.

I feel like I've had to place a sort of 'diet' on my mind in recent times, not allowing myself to indulge in thoughts that are unhealthy for my mental stability...and much like a real diet, I still crave the depth of the thoughts I used to think. they are the high fat, high calorie desserts I know I shouldn't eat but can't resist.

and here I am, working busily on this show, keeping my somewhat ADD mind occupied, my social interaction at peak, and my immediate sense of purpose fulfilled. and though I am often whining and complaining, I am on the whole happy. I don't have time not to be.

but do I want to be happy? do I want my mind space constantly occupied so that I cannot fill it with the deep thoughts that normal people shouldn't concern themselves with? or do I want to open my mind to thinking, even if that thinking eventually leads to a more depressing outlook on life than I need to live?

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.