Thursday, May. 12, 2011 4:55 p.m.

ramble: fb opinions pregnancy singledom

I've been meaning to ramble in here for awhile. I just like rambling. But last week was state testing and I was a test site coordinator and basically going crazy. Then we went to Las Vegas over the weekend. Then I was proctoring at another test site this week and trying to tie up loos ends from last week (which I still have a bunch of test organizing to do actually, but I'll leave for tomorrow).

And then I've just been thinking. And I should document things, I really should.

I think sometimes that I secretly want an audience. I have a blog that I occasionally write in, which is more or a public face, but no one ever really reads it, or if they do, don't comment, so I have no way of knowing. Then there's facebook...but I think I'm getting closer and closer to not deleting it necessarily, but of using it for only it's bare bones conveniences. I'll keep a simple profile, with a picture or two, maybe my email address. Pretty much, just a place for people to find me if they'd like, but not a place where I actually spend any time. I mostly am leaning away from the news feed. It's just too much. I can't care about everyone's issues and I get sick of reading people's political rants and secretly dividing my friendship. I miss the old days, when people would disagree on issues, but just amicably agree not to discuss them. I feel like on facebook, status updates are a way for people to continue discussing things, even though they know their opinions will divide.

I used to (be young :) and) think that people should just speak their mind and who cares if friendships were lost over a difference of personal beliefs - now I realize that social relations are important, and that sometimes putting aside differences to maintain those friendships are important too.

Which is kind of funny if I think about it. Because I actually do have a lot of opinions and beliefs on things, and while I may talk about them here in this diary, I never talk about them in public. That's why I like having a diary sometimes. To say the things I'm thinking about that I would never dare say aloud...not because I'm ashamed of what I'm thinking, but because I recognize that the world is a better place if some things are left unspoken.
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I'm not documenting this pregnancy at all. I keep telling myself that if I have a second kid someday that I'm going to want to have something to compare. But I still find myself struggling with its acceptance. I feel guilty and shameful if I get excited about it. Why me? Why now? There's still so many other people waiting.

A lot of the previous pain has faded, but I'm hesitant in letting it go fully, like I'm turning my back on my previous self. I have to hold on to it. I have to remember.

Which, in an ironic turn of events, has made me extremely laid back about everything. I'm the pregnant person who still takes sips of her husband alcoholic drinks (or drinks a glass of wine on occasion), who stays up late, who carries things even when people are nice and tell me not to. I eat sushi, I eat unpasteurized cheese and hot dogs and runny eggs and basically everything that I ate before. I not paranoid about a thing. It's almost as if the whole infertility thing made me realize what a crap shoot life is and how little I can control in it. If I'm meant to have this baby, I will, regardless of what I eat or do. I mean, apparently I was meant to wait for two years before getting pregnant or something anyways.

I'm showing now. Not crazy, and it does just look like I'm really bloated and sticking my stomach out...but it's definitely there. I always wondered what this would feel like. It's odd, to be honest. It's like I'm bloated and just can't pull my stomach back in. Only I don't feel the pain of being bloated, I'm just big. It's awkward actually. I don't feel unattractive, but I don't feel attractive either. I just don't know what to do with my body. Not to mention that my boobs are ridiculously large and I had plently to begin with, so I feel rather lopsided and I look weird in anything I wear and nothing fits right. Oh well; small price to pay. But it is strange.

I still don't FEEL pregnant. I'm looking it now, and I feel the baby a lot, but it just feels like normal stomach rumblings or gas pains, except that they keep happening a lot and there's no gas, so I know it's something different causing it.

Although I am pretty darn gassy, which I actually find a bit humorous, as I kind of enjoy the frequent relief.

Sometimes I have to remind myself - "hey, you're pregnant; weird, huh?" It's just that for soooooo long I'd always wondered what this would be like, and now it's here, and I'm still me and it's not as all-consuming as people make it out to be, and it's just too good to be true.

I find it odd to touch my belly in public and I don't. You always see those women rubbing their pregnant bellies and who knows, maybe that will be me in a couple months, but right now, I feel no desire to constantly be caressing it. It's there and round and hard and sticks out, but touching it only reminds me of the awkwardness of it all, both physically and emotionally, and I'd rather not constantly focus on it.
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K and I went to Las Vegas this past weekend. I'll be honest, Vegas is a VERY different experience when you're not drinking and it did bum me out some, but I was determined to make the best of it and actually had a pretty good time. We were there with a girl I went to college with and her friend, both of whom were single.

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I were still single. I'm sure I'd be kind of sad and wish that I had a guy, that goes without saying. But how would I handle it? I almost think that I wasn't meant to be single into my late 20s or early 30s. I wonder if some people just aren't ready to settle and that's why they don't and end up in their late 20s/30s still single. I wonder if that were their original plan all along - or if they truly wanted to be settled down by then but just couldn't find someone?

This is one of those things that I would never, ever, ever say aloud to anyone: but I wonder if people who are single really wanted to settle down earlier...either that or that they have some unrealistic goals of the person they are looking for? Or maybe they themselves aren't the settling down type? I don't mean this in a bad way at all, but watching and listening to these two single friends this weekend got me thinking about it. Why are they still single? Why am I the one who's been married for the past 5 years?

And, though I could be wrong since I've never been in their position, but I feel that if a person really wanted to find good man and settle down, that they could. Maybe being married for 5 years has opened my eyes to the realities of what being married is: but I think if you're searching with the right mindset of a what makes a good partner for you and you're psychologically ready for the compromises of a serious relationship - that you should be able to find one. I'm of course falling back on my own story with K, but I loved him before I "fell in love" with him. It was his virtue and the realization of how compatibale we'd be as partners that first made me consider him for a serious relationship. I only "fell in love" with him once I had mentally commited to him and a relationship with him.

I know that seems so backward, but I tend to think oddly and backward sometimes - but the more I think about it, the more that I think that it's an important realization that people don't always make. I love K because I choose to love K. I respect K because I choose to respect him. We're compatible for several reasons, the biggest being that were both committed to each other and our marriage and making each other happy.

And I wonder, do people who are single but who genuinely want to be in a serious relationship, have this mindset? Do they realize that it's not always glamor that leads to the decision of "the one", but that it's also a bit of logic and reason as well?

I love my husband more than I have the ability to write about. But I didn't always have these feelings. But I allowed them to develop because I allowed myself to appreciate him for the great man that he was...and then the feelings came.

I could be talking out of my butt, and again, this is not something that I would ever ever ever actually say to anybody, especially to anyone single - but when I see single people like my two girlfriends in Vegas this weekend, I just have to wonder: when they complain about being single, are they REALLY ready to commit to finding someone? Because to be honest, I think that if you go into dating with the right mindset and are ready for the commitment, you should be able to find someone. Right?
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I feel bad ending with this last note, like I'm being judgmental or something (but hey, this is my diary; I am allowed to say what I'm thinking, right?), but I really have to pee and have been really lazy this afternoon and need to get stuff done!

But rambling felt good. I should do it more often. That way K won't have to be the one to listen to it all from me. :)

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