Sunday, May. 16, 2010 4:28 p.m.

living in 1862

This weekend, I went to a Civil War reeenactment. I stayed with a bunch of ladies I'd only met once before. K did not come with me.

I had a great time. I love getting dressed up. I love doing my hair all pretty. I love swishing around in a hoop skirt and not always being able to pass by things in small places because of them. I loved sitting on the porch of the house we stayed in. I love knitting and chatting to pass the time. I loved doing our dishes in buckets. I loved when the public came and watched us with curiosity and asked to take pictures of us. I loved having knowledge to share with them.

I loved dancing last night and trying really hard to follow the steps in the right order; I loved spending most of the time laughing and trying to not to mess things up. I loved that the other reenactors, on either side, would say hello and good morning and good afternoon and good evening as I passed.

I loved not having interent and not being by my phone the entire day. I loved being able to relax. I loved the beautiful mountain scenery. I loved the stars in the sky at night.

I loved not caring about the petty, and ultimately inconsequential, busywork of modern life.

And then I came home. K was watching tv. He tried to talk to me, he politely showed interested toward my weekend; I know he was glad I was back. But he's he's off to play poker with friends. And we're back to our completely normal life.

I have to get stuff ready tonight for testing tomorrow. This next week will be busy. 14 hrs. at my part-time job in addition to my full-time. K will not be home much, as usual. I'll be alone, like usual.

No pretty dresses. No fun swooshing when I walk. No public to think I'm interesting. No beautiful mountains; no stars at night; no kitting just to pass the time.

I hate to say it, but it's a little depressing.

I want to go back in time to 1862.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.