Wednesday, May. 16, 2012 10:46 p.m.

lost and rambling and 8 months old

I'm in a weird mood tonight. There's this story out in the news right now about a local missing FBI agent and it's really shaken me up since it's happening so close to me.

Oh the weird things that really affect me. I'm not sad about normal things - but this total stranger? I'm in tears for the local family.
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I just got over another one of my "episodes". I went to a Dr. this time. Actually, I even gave in after-hours and went to the ER and they did exactly what I was afraid of and didn't take me seriously and I felt really, really stupid. The Dr. the next day thinks that I must carry my everyday stress in my neck/upper chest and when it builds up and causes bad tightening in my chest which is what makes it difficult for me to breath and why I'm in the pain that I am. She gave me a muscle relaxer. It did kind of help, but it wasn't an amazing cure. So I don't know. She wants me to do physical therapy. But that just seems even more stressful - afterall, I'd have to find a babysitter to go.
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Politics are starting to creep back up into the daily importance of the good American citizen - and it stresses me out some. Sometimes I find it weird that I dislike politics so. Afterall, I'm an intelligent person. I recognize that it is through the public that public policy is shaped and hat is it my duty and right to be well-informed about politics. Afterall, that is what makes this country great - it is why my ancestors fought and died so that I may live someplace where I am free to choose who leads my government.

Ye, I totally understand this. But the truth is: I still feel completely small and unimportant when it comes to it. The honest truth is that my vote does not matter. I vote in all the big elections still. BUT, I don't read or study or debate every single political issue that is presented to me. I don't have time. I have an everyday life to lead.

I'd actually like to get involved in local politics someday though. It's the only place like I feel like a) my vote could actually make a difference and b) my opinion could actually matter. I was involved in student government in both high school and college. And if anything, it's just made me jaded to it now.

I'll admit that I typically (unless I have a very specific favorite in anther category for some reason) I vote straight along party lines. Or, I pick and choose just a couple key topis that I care about the most and vote for the candidate that best aligns to my same feelings on those topics.

Call me lazy or call me whatever you want - but I otherwise get too stressed and passionate about things and I care too much whether what I want "wins" or "loses". So in order to have a happier and less stressful live, I HAVE to step back and instead pay more attention to the personal workings of my own individual life instead. I have to trust that the world will not end if my cause does not succeed. So - I have to just spend minimal time looking into the ins and out of every issue/candidate and instead make a general decision based on a few of my hard-held beliefs.

And so, I really hate politics, because I feel like all it does its drive people apart from each other. So I hate that it's an election year. And I just really don't want to hear it from people. Or from facebook. Well, I'm hardly on facebook anymore, this political crap being one of the several reasons, so I guess I won't see it too much, but still, I kind of hate that I have to shelter myself away from everything just because I want both to be ignorant of other people's differing political judgements from me, and I don't want them to make judgements on myself for not agreeing with them.

So blah.

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I'm also wanting to get pregnant again. I've had two periods so far. We aren't even "trying" yet. I don't know why I want to be pregnant again so quickly. I haven't even figured out baby C yet! She's crawling now and pulling herself up to standing now and I feel like I'm constantly on my toes with her. Why would I want to do this again? I don't know. But I do.
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I'm getting tired of my job. Yes, my "dream job". Maybe it's just the end of the school year. Maybe I'm just looking forward to being a "stay at home mom" this summer and for some reason think that I'm going to be so happy and love it and feel like my life is more together is I don't have to balance a job as well as a baby. Who knows.

K is home from the gym. I really should've taken a shower in the past hour and half while he was gone.

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