Friday, May. 28, 2004 12:03 a.m.

suicide hotline/guy stuff

i know i should probably be writting this in my written journal only, since i really need to wean myself off this thing, but ahh... i feel like writting and i guess i honeslty write becuase somewhere deep down i want to be heard. and though i may not be heard through this diary, at least there is the possibility of it...

you know, i don't care if the following makes sense or follows a train of thought. i'm just going to write like i would write normally in my written journal - just what i'm thinking and not care.

i'm doing this sucide hotline thing. and i thinki want to quit. but i don't know what's more of a streach for me to do - quit or push through. i care and i want to help - that's why i've been wanting to do a suicide hotline for so long. but i just don't know if i can handle it anymore.

maybe i'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and i'm doing what i usually do when everything starts to pile up on me - i flake. but i really think it's more that i just don't feel like i'm cut out to be a "counselor". i feel like i care too much. and answering phones i can't show it the way i want to. i feel fake. i'm afriad of becoming like all the other volunteers, i'm afraid of talking like they do - i just want to empathize with people -and i feel like too many people are doing this hotline thing for school or becuase it looks good or whatever. i'd rather no one knew that i was doing this.

i'm sick of having to feel like i have to think like the norm in order to be normal. well, wait, what am i talking about? i guess only the normal think like the norm, huh? that's why it's called the NORM.

it's almost like i enjoy challenging myself and seeing how far i can stretch - it's like a high to me or something. oh, i'm afraid of that? well, lets jump right in and conquer that fear! what do i think i'm most incapable of doing? let's prove to myself i can do it anyways!

it's like i want to never again feel as trapped behind my fears as i was before when i was so innocent and shetered and the real world scared me.

i was talking to my real good friend on the phone tonight - we both know each other pretty good, he's probably inching his way up to my second best friend (no one can knock my best friend now out of her place though!), and well, i was going over my whole should i quit or not quit the suicide hotline thing with him and we started briefly talking about suicide. come to find out, he actually has been in that place before and actually loaded a gun and pulled the trigger, only oddly enough nothing happened. hmm...this is gonna stay with me for awhile. i feel like i should say or write more, but i also think that i need to let this sit in longer.

i don't know. i guess i feel like this whole topic carries such a personal response from me. in every way that it's discussed. these suicide hotline training classes i've been attending every week for a month now have been a whole lot harder on myself than i would've ever imagined. i can't deny that the romantic way of ending one's life by suicide still appeals to me. i can't deny that while i don't think i'm going to do it anytime soon, i still wouldn't be surprised if i eventually ended my life by suicide.

and it's so hard for me to sit in these training things. it's as though i feel like an incognito muslim sitting in a christain meeting on how to evangelize to muslims or something. i feel like i need to be there in order to do some good, but deep down, i so totally don't feel like i belong and every training session i go to seems to drive some inner wedge deeper and deeper, and making me feel more and more seperated from "them".

i think i might be starting to like this guy - that kinda freaks me out. yeah, it always freaks me out when i start to like guy, but this one freaks me out more becuase i shouldn't develop a crush on him - i'm afraid of ever feeling weird around him. i'm afriad of screwing up a good friendship. but i think that we're starting to get to know a lot about each other, you know, on that really close, intimate friends level of which one only has a few in life. or maybe i'm just desperate for a guy and getting my signs mixed up!

previous | next