Thursday, May. 29, 2008 7:26 p.m.

nothing new

I write the same things over and over. I don't expect anyone to care anymore; I've pretty much gotten over the fact that diaryland and my diary are not the same as they were 5, 6, 7 years ago. I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm 5, 6, 7 years older than who I was when I started diaryland...but I still know that I am.

my mind runs a million miles an hour. I don't know if this is typical, or if others have accepted it by now, just as they have probably accepted that they are 25, 26, 27...and I just haven't.

I've decided, in the past 3 years or so, that I must actually be a very emotional person - I just was always good at hiding it before. But I feel it. I feel things as quickly as I think them. It's not that I can't control my mind or my actions or my mood, it's that I somehow feel that there something to be found or discovered or stumbled upon if I let my mind run free.

I crave creativity, but I feel like I can't be creative unless my mind is free to roam all over the place. Only when my mind is free to roam all over the place, I get lost in the depths of my thinking and can't do anything.

I don't want a steady job and like my sporadic freelance lifestyle...but I also feel like my life is out of control and I'm just floating through it in a way where each day just blurs into the next instead of having any sort of distinctnesses.

I have an overwhemling desire to accomplish or produce something with my life, ans as each day passes being overwhelmed in my freedom, I find myself depressed in my life of importance.

I don't know if I know how to find a balance of work and play and freedom and structure...and I don't know if that balance is even what would bring me happiness.

I've changed greatly in the past couple years. Greatly. I looked through all these pictures of me in college, and I did stuff. People knew me. I looked happed.

I don't even look happy anymore. No body knows me. I really don't have any friends, and I know I am the only one to blame.

I tired of this city. I'm tired of Hollywood, of the film industry. I find people overwhelmingly dull. I listen to conversations; no one has an original thought. Everyone believes and acts the same. I don't know how this place ever fascinated me; now it just makes me sad. Sad that this industry influences the country SO VERY MUCH. Sad that we have become such a media-driven culture. I want to yell at people all across america and tell them to stop caring or believing what they see on tv or in the movies. People here make all that crap up. People in this city are not cool and liberal and hip...people in this city are pompous and full of themselves and think that their beliefs are right and should be spread across the world. They think they have the power to change a country's opinion, and they're sadly right, because they do.

I feel like I've suddenly lost touch with the world and with being able to change anything. I feel completely helpless, unless I share the same views as everyone else.

I feel exactly like I felt when I was at my super conservative religious college - only now, ironically, I feel it much worse and feel that this place is much more condescending.

I feel unable to say what I mean; I lose my words in pressure, and without eloquence, I've got nothing.

I am afraid to try to make friends, because I don't want to waste time on simple friends, and I'm afraid I won't find common ground with anyone.

I feel I don't belong here, but I'm too stubborn to give up and move back to Texas. I still want to salvage my life and make something of it, and even if I'm not making something of it, at least I kind of sound cooler being in L.A. and working on film sets.

even though it's not really all that cool.

I need to find people, my age, kind of related to the entertainment industry (because it kind of becomes a lifestyle incompatible with other lifestyles), but not solely interested in movies. someone from either the south or midwest or someplace that understands that the country is not all like the east and west coasts. someone interested in deeper things, in questioning life, without trying to convince me that they are right and I must just be ignorant. someone who thinks interestingly, someone random, someone creative, someone who doesn't take offense easily, and is understanding of others. someone who understands that self-interest isn't always bad and that pure honesty is the best policy.

maybe I'm too picky. the only person I've found who fits most of these in this city, is the guy I happened to agree to marry...and K pretty much is my only friend and the only person who understands me here.

which isn't fair to him, because I get way too clingy.

I'm hoping something happens soon. Or I hope I find something to wake me up, to keep me busy, or give me meaning or allow me to accomplish something.

I feel directionless, and way to old to not know what I'm doing.

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