Friday, Jun. 03, 2005 5:14 p.m.
I'll miss you, innocence.
I'm in a weird mood right now for some reason. I'm thinking about a lot of things that I think tie together somehow, I'm just having difficulty figuring out how that is. I've changed a lot in the past few years. I'm not the person I once was when I started this diary. I don't know if changing is good. I mean, I feel happier and more content in life now, but well, sometimes I feel like a traitor to the me I used to be. I think me and my fiance decided not to move in together. besides what our families might think, I guess it's better if we save something to experience for after marriage. sometimes the wait is what makes things sweeter. or the lack of things makes them more important. I sorta miss my innocence. I sorta miss my naviety. I miss being scared of the outside world. I miss being able to feel like I was genuinely challenging myself...that there was something I had yet to experience. I feel like I'm running out of experiences. I feel too open-minded. I feel realistic. I feel like I'm Eve, eating from the tree of knowlegde of good and evil. I think I'm growing up. on one hand, I'm happier - I'm finally at the point where I feel like I've 'found myself'. I'm content. I see a future, life has meaning. on the other hand - it's over with. the discovery. the wonder, the fear, the uncertainity...and I don't want to miss it, so I'm hesitant in saying goodbye. I feel old, yet I feel youger than I thought I would. I miss being able to believe in God. you're supposed to be always be able to turn to God again...but I can't. I'm Eve, remember? I've tasted the fruit and am no longer welcome in the Garden. or maybe Eden never existed as my memory paints it. maybe I'm setling down. and my future is defining itself. and it scares me. cause I've never had that before.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.