Sunday, Jun. 08, 2008 9:32 a.m.

emotions and the other guy

god, I think these hormones are starting to get to me, because I've been noticing myself getting rather emotional over stupid things. it's like emotions seem to make more sense, and I find myself wanting to lose myself to them. It's as though only by feeling do I feel I can experience anything. It's odd.

I'm getting close to another retrieval. Just a few more days. I like doing this for a second time, because I know what to expect and I have more confidence that it will be successful, whereas last time I was so very nervous, up until the very end, that somehow it wasn't going to work and something would be wrong with me.

I'm finally accepting that maybe I'm ok. That "those parts" might actually work and produce a life, and one that I'll get to keep, one day.

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I really like the 'recent public entries' box in this new design. last night, I spent quite a while reading through people's diaries, seeing if there's anyone cool to add to my favorites, and going back in time to when I was in my teens.

I noticed that a lot of people yesterday wrote about dreams they've been having. they also, obviously, wrote about guys and girls and breaking up and being in love and all that.

so, maybe not surprisingly, I had a dream last night. I vaguely knew that it was a dream while dreaming it, but I chose to continue, to explore what would happen in its' fake world. It was about a guy I briefly worked with in the past year, a guy that, if I were single, I know I'd be interested in.

I'm kind of debating telling K about the dream. It was just an innocent, simple dream, and nothing happened, but I feel a weird sort of obligation for complete honesty with him...it could be the whole being married to him thing... :)

but I haven't mentioned it to him yet.

we'll call the guy in my dream Guy X. in the dream, I ran into Guy X somewhere and we started talking about the usual - the project we worked on together, the weather, back home (we're from the same state/area), what we've been up to, etc. But somewhere in there we started becoming flirty, joking and laughing at stuff and each other. We were both in good moods and apparently had a free afternoon that we decided to spend together. We laid out on a grass field somewhere, holding hands, just talking, and being happy.

in my dream, Guy X knew that I was married, and I suppose we both knew that what we were doing was innocent, and that it'd never go anywhere...but we were enjoying each other's company anyway. We were sharing a moment, as if in secret, just to share it and enjoy being alive.

I love K and I will never ever cheat on him; I think he is an amazing person and husband and I consider myself lucky to have gotten him...but there does come a time, as I imagine as it does in all marriages, when you wonder what it'd be like had you chosen someone else...when you realize that you know everything about the other and that the excitement and giddiness of discovery has faded.

I always knew, since I first started considering K, that he wasn't the only person in the entire world who could be a good fit for me; I never ascribed to the notion of "The One" - but I chose well in him, thereby making him my One.

There's good and bad things about being married, and while the good DEFINITELY outweighs the bad...I don't think it's realistic to never wonder about another and what might have been.

At least, I hope it is.

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