Saturday, Jun. 09, 2007 12:33 a.m.
paris hilton
it's strange to say this, but paris has been on my mind lately. yes, as in hilton.
I know its dumb that I even care about such things, or that I even have an opinion. but I guess I feel that, just a little bit more than a normal person, that I actually am entitled to.
I'm having all these flashbacks of working on simple life 2. of all my interactions with her. mostly these interactions consisted of talking to her as little as possible, while still being close enough to observe her. a lot.
I remember driving into Tampa with the producers the day she fell off her horse and had to be, yes, air-lifted to the hospital. I remember leaving the hospital and a reporter coming up to me and asking if I was on crew and knew anything about paris - how did she know? did we have a 'look'? - I looked at her blankly and said no.
I remember that's when she was dating Nick Carter and he was visiting and I somehow got trapped with the two security guys, following them around the mall, dinner and a movie. I remember watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. we got to go in the back way. for free. it was cool.
I remember when the PA's were told that Paris didn't want us speaking to her - that we 'weren't to speak unless spoken to". I remember finding a t-shirt that said this and wearing it the next moring when I went to wake her up. and yes, I spoke to her.
I remember the last night on production. everyone in the little texas hotel bar. I remember being yelled at by the production manager in front of everyone and just standing there crying. I remember Nicole actually speaking to me afterwards, telling me that she felt bad for me, and had been "rooting for me". (to date, I still like nicole better)
I remember feeling sorry for paris. and how strange it was that she was only my age...and yet was someone completely and utterly different than me. I remembering wondering what'd it be like to live your whole life always playing the part of someone...or, at least, that's how she always seemed to me: a facade.
and I always wondered what was underneath.
I think, in a weird way, though I've seen her on tv plenty of times, that today, seeing those pictures of her crying in the back of the police car - that it was the first time I saw something other than the facade.
and for some reason, it really intrigued me.
and now I'm thinking about her.
even though I know it�s really dumb still.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.