Thursday, Jun. 12, 2008 8:22 p.m.

a lot of egg donor talk

It's the eve of my second retrieval. Last night at exactly 1am, I had to give myself the big "trigger" shot in the butt. I forgot how big that needle was; seriously, it's about 2 inches long, and it's very weird to push 2 inches of metal into your flesh and then push down on the plunger, injecting yourself with this liquid that you just mixed in some vials.

It's funny how 'doctor-ish' you begin to feel after going through these donations.

I met the lady who is getting these eggs yesterday. I forgot to mention that. I say "these" eggs, because "these" eggs in this donation are totally different than "those" eggs I gave to the other lady 3 months ago.

I think about that other lady. I wonder if everything is going ok with her pregnancy. I think, if I'm doing the dates right, she's almost in her second trimester right now, which means that, with twins, she's probably showing. I wonder if they're boys or girls. I wonder what they will look like when they are born.

I don't have my own kids yet...so those two twins that came from "those" eggs will be my first genetic offspring. Of course, I'm naturally curious what they will look like; if I'd be able to note a resemblance.

Personally, I think all babies kind of look the same, but people tend to see things in their own babies, so who knows?

Oh yeah, so I got to meet the lady I've giving "these" eggs to. It's interesting how I'm so much more detached from this donation than the first. I know what I'm doing this time; I'm aware of the emotions, of the ethical issues involved. I'm not worried that it won't work; instead I have an overwhelming (and possibly misguided) confidence that it will. After all, it did last time. So it has to this time too, right?

On meeting her yesterday, I think my 'recipient' (we call them 'recipients' in the donor world) looks more like me than my last one did. She had my coloring and something about her face just looked like I imagine I will look in several years. She was shorter than me though, I remember that. She was bubbly and had this great attitude and gave me a hug right off the bat. I liked that; she didn't feel awkward.

But I also didn't feel the same overwhelming awe in meeting her as I did with the first recipient. Despite her outgoing personality, she seemed guarded still, as though she found it easiest to remain happy by not thinking too much.

She mentioned to me that this was her last try, that I was their third donor, and that their first donor had been her niece. I told her that I really wanted this to work for her this time, and that I really hoped it would. I wanted to tell her that I KNEW it would...but realistically, I know that I don't know. And I'm pretty sure she's gone through enough by now to not get her hopes up about anything.

And this breaks my heart. I know there's nothing else I can do at this point to insure this for her, and for them, but if there was something I could do, I would. It's hard knowing that I have no more control over this...and that she's placing so much hope in me.

I don't pray often, but I might actually pray about this.

I am worried about my post-retrieval recovery this time though. I had no idea what it'd be like last time, and so now I'm pretty much expecting to have another absolutely miserable recovery week. I'm trying to prepare, to not make any plans, to have on hand the few things that provided any comfort last time...but I think I might also add a less painful recovery to my prayer list.

I'm already thinking a lot about my next donation. I committed to a third couple a couple months ago, and the clinic from my first two donations is already trying to recruit me for more after them. I've told them that I won't commit to doing anymore until after this next one - I want to give my body a rest, I want to have a normal sex life with K again, and I want to make sure that I'm not screwing up my own fertility that I'd like to put to use eventually.

I'm really excited about donating to this third couple though. I have a little secret about them: I know them, but they don't know that I know them. Well, I guess I don't know them, but I know a lot more about them than they may know. I've discovered them on an infertility message board and I've been able to keep tabs on their journey the past couple months; I've even read things they've said about their donor, all the while knowing that I've been reading about myself.

It's kind of weird, but kind of awesome, and I really, truly, like this couple a lot. I think I would be friends with them if we met in real life.

I just don't know how they'll take to my little bout of internet espionage, so I don't plan on contacting them...at least for now; I do think I'd like to be honest with them eventually.

I am excited about tomorrow though. This is the beginning of the fun part: finding out the number of eggs they get, learning how many fertilize and how many they transfer...and lastly, if it results in a pregnancy for them.

I really hope it does. I don�t think I�d want to know if it doesn�t; I�ll be devastated, and I can�t at all imagine how the recipient couple would take it.

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