Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2007 7:01 p.m.

bitter

lately, I have become a very bitter person. I know, I shouldn't be and I should feel bad about myself and seek to change it.

but the weird truth is, I feel like I need it right now. that it is my defense mechanism. that it is my way of coping. perhaps it is not a good method...but I'm too tired to figure out a better one.

things suck right now. yes, things could always be worse. I know that. I could be eating out of a trashcan and sleeping in the streets. but just because they could be worse doesn�t mean that they are good right now.

they aren't.

before I got married, I existed in a time when I thought things were good. when I was happy. when I had enough money to be comfortable. still a poor, recent college grad, but comfortable. I had friends, I'd go out for dinner or drinks, I saw a future ahead of me...I was optimistic about my life and my future.

then I got married. and added a second income. we didn't have much, but there were promises of more in the future. I felt empowered. I felt I could be someone that people back at home would be proud of.

I felt that choosing to move 3 states away and make my life in some crazy city called L.A. made me impressive.

and I was happy. we were both happy.

but the thing about L.A., especially within hollywood, is that, no matter how secure you think you are someplace, you're not. you NEVER are.

and we've been learning that. the hard way. for the past year and a half.

I was beginning to give up hope a year ago. and then K got a job. and then he didn't like it and it made him miserable. so he quit.

secretly, I didn't want him to. I wanted him to keep going. but he was terribly unhappy, and I still had faith that something better would come.

but nothing did. and he did random stuff, here and there. he brought in enough that, combined with my income, we could make it work.

and then my student teaching began. and my income stopped. and we struggled, and used savings...but still. we made it work.

he was still doing interviews and we still deeply hoped that something would come. and for a moment, just a brief moment, it looked like the storm was passing...but it didn't.

but still, he tried. and kept interviewing.

and then, just as things looked promising...again...he made a brash decision - without me - that ended up screwing us over yet again.

and now he's leaving there too. and while, yes, I agree that his boss is certifiably crazy...I'm so tired of doing this.

so tired.

but I still love him so much. and I really do want him to succeed. so I keep going, with this strange broken faith, believing, hoping, praying that something, someday will work out for him - for us.

I don't know how much longer we can hold out before we move back to texas, give it all up, and become a manager at best buy or something.

everything we dreamed about. it's just not happening. and I don't know how much longer to keep being delusional that it will.

so this brings me to my bitterness. I find it hard to read blogs about people from college, about all these people with kids, and nice jobs, and owning their own houses. it makes me cringe when I see pictures of their rosebushes, or when they talk about products to use in their disposal.

hell, I wish we had a disposal. or even a kitchen sick that didn't constantly back up if the water's on too high. and I can't even imagine ever owning a dishwasher. I've almost forgotten how to use one.

it's hard to hang out with friends, knowing that they can actually afford to spend the money they're spending on stuff. we still spend the money though, like we used to. we're too afraid, or perhaps we don't know how, to stop.

people always tell you that things will work out. but they're just saying it, because things don't always.

and I'm afraid that we may be one of those unlucky ones.

so sorry about my bitterness. I hope I have reason to abandon it soon.

previous | next