Saturday, Jun. 28, 2008 1:06 p.m.

boredom/aging/donating/ missions/opinions

it's funny how the only thing I've wanted for several days was to have a real conversation with K...and how much better I feel now that I've had it.

I'm unsettled. I play housewife and I job search. K doesn't get home til 8 at the earliest, usually much later. I'm bored. absolutely and supremely bored.

I have so many hobbies and things I want to do in my "free time", but I can't seem to find the desire to start anything. I waste my hours, waiting, hoping, praying for something, anything to happen. a job to call back, the mailman to come, a new blog on my bloglist to be posted. I recycle a list of websites I visit, each time hoping something will be interesting enough to distract me and waste time.

I have one more egg donation coming up. I just want to be finished with it. these constant waiting/medicated cycles are wearing on me. I want to rest my body. I want to have a normal period again. I don't want to keep this third couple waiting on me anymore.

I'm afraid of being old. I'm afraid of having my own fertility compromised. doing these donations have made me so much more aware and educated and I wonder if we'll be able to get pregnant easily...or at all.

We can't afford a kid at all right now. But I want one. I'm afraid to keep waiting, afraid I'm going to be an old mom. I want to be young, I want to be cute and pregnant, I want to be a mom without looking like a mom.

We're in florida visiting his grandfather right now. He's 87. I'll be honest; I feel very weird here. I have no connection to his grandfather and old people still kind of scare me. All I can think about is my own mortality. I don't want to ever rely on constant medication to stay alive; I don't want to lose the ability to walk without help or be unable to drive a car. I don't want to think that slow, to hear that badly, to talk without making sense.

It scares me that I could turn into that. I know it is not the fault of the elderly and that they were once young too, but it's just that I have absolutely no desire to ever live that long. Perhaps I'm too stubbornly independent; perhaps I have too much of a problem leaning on anything else for my own survival.

K really likes and respects his grandfather though, so I'm here for him and I keep my mouth shut about stuff like this. I think he knows that I feel it though.

Last night, I watched this 48 hours special online that aired in April. It was by the same people who made that film "Jesus Camp" and was about these 3 teen girls who were teen missionaries for the summer. They followed them trough this organization, Teen Missions International, and though it was a decent documentary, they then had a panel of teens talk about what they thought about it.

I went on a Teen Missions trip when I was 17. Exactly 10 yrs. ago. Though I don't really believe in God anymore like I did that summer, I still have to admit that that trip was one of the best things I've ever done and I learned SO much from it. It really changed me.

It's hard to see the media and some panel of teens critique that experience. I'm afraid that people won't understand, that all people will see is some type of religious intolerance. I also find it weird that a panel of teens were critiquing teens, and that somehow the panel of teens was supposed to be superior in the judgments so that they could even critique the other teen's beliefs.

Since when have the "right" morals of our country been based on whatever the current group of teenagers think?

I again feel old. At 27, am I already too old to have any say, or any influence, in the world? Do you lose that we you graduate from your teens? I fully believe that teens are able to think about a great many things and hold intelligent opinions, but I also know that a person's beliefs refine themselves over the next decade, ESPECIALLY though college and the first several years on your own. I personally know that my beliefs now are very different than how they were 10 years ago - yet 10 years ago I could have still intelligently argued my positions.

I just don't think that anyone should have based their beliefs off my beliefs ten years ago; I think I'm much more thorough in my opinions now. And I don't think a panel of teens should have had the ultimate say on the legitimacy of this documentary.

I have plenty more to say and it feels very good to type this out. But I have to go. I hear K's grandpa in the other room asking him if I'm ready to go. I think he's asked him three times in the last minute...which basically means that I need to get ready to go.

I eventually will get back to deeper, more defined and less rambling entries, but I need to sort out way too many things in my head first.

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