Thursday, Jul. 04, 2002 11:56 p.m.

I'm going on a vacation to camp

You know, I didn't really even realize that it was the 4th of July until I was driving home from work and saw some fireworks. Well, I mean, I knew it was today, but I did nothing to celebrate it, not a thing. I miss being a kid. I miss fireworks and watermelon and barbeque. That's what 4th of July is supposed to be about, right? I feel very sad to completely miss the holiday like this.

Speaking of work, I've decided that someday, when I'm rich, I'm going to go out to eat and give my server total crap the whole meal. I'm gonna be a rather large pain in the ass and then, if my server was able to still smile and pretend the whole time, I'm gonna leave them a $100 bill as my tip. I just think it'd be funny. Plus, I wish people would give me a $100 tip. that'd be so nice.....

My mom came up here the other day to pick up my sister. She ended up spending the night at my house. Yesterday, before she left, she let me know that she didn't notice any Bibles laying around my house. Then, in her tone that I hate more than anything, the tone that's filled with "I'm such a wise person and if you could only begin to think like I do than you would realize how foolish you are being", she added "Don't forget God." I said nothing. But I wanted to scream!! Scream because she'll never see where I'm coming from; scream because I hate how she acts like she's so wise and smart; scream becuase of the game I play; scream because I can never get away from the pressure to believe something I don't really; scream because I'm afraid that my own family would be ashamed of me if I was anyone other than they thought I was; just plain scream!! anyways, it's sad, 'cause I espically want to spend more time with my sisters, but I don't want to spend time at home. I really don't live there anymore. Things will never be fun and happy like they were growing up. I will never have another 4th of July like I used to. Man, this sucks! Growing up sucks! I'm getting tears in my eyes right now as I'm writing. I never, ever, ever thought I would grow up. I wanted to go to Never-Never Land and never get big. What happened?

You know, this past year of my life has been like no other. I've had so many experiences. I mean, seriously, I've changed and become accustomed to so much. The beginning of last summer I:
had only once tasted beer, but had never had any alcohol before, I didn't even know what a crown and coke was when someone ordered it when I first started waiting tables
hadn't even had my first kiss yet (yes, and at age 20 even)
and was overall intimidated by any and everyone who had any type of exerpience in 'the world.
I was so afriad of all the things I didn't know and yet, I hated myself for being so limited under the shelter I had grown up under. I felt I didn't know how to live out in the 'real world' and I hated myslef for that. But now, well, now I finally feel like a person. A person who can choose her own opinions of things and be able to back them up with reasons that I have concluded, not that tradition has decided and I just agree to back up. I'm not afraid of people drinking around me, I know what it looks like if someone is drunk. I'm not afraid of guys or the desire to want to have a random summer fling, I'm not afraid to flirt, I'm not afraid to kiss. I'm not afriad to live in a big city like L.A., I'm not afraid to be an agressive driver, and I'm not afraid to walk the block from my internship to the parking lot in Van Nuys and have guys honk or even pull over and try to pick me up. (yes, this did happen. There were a lot of prostitutes in this area, and I don't dress anything like them, but still, twice a car pulled over). I'm not afraid anymore, I've learned how to be a big girl and how to handle myself. It is the most wonderfully liberating feeling!!!

Well, this is was a long and random entry (as are most of my entries), but I feel as though I am entitled to be able to say what I want, no matter how tedious. Also, I am leaving to go work at camp in a few days, this will likely be my last entry for quite awhile. I will be at camp for five weeks. I may get to get online a few times, but you never know. I am getting tired. Goodnight!

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