Sunday, Jul. 20, 2008 10:21 a.m.
inspiration and reminder
A couple of months ago, on one of my little "I need new diary friends" link-clicking rampages, I stumbled upon a diary of a girl about to graduate college. She seemed remotely interesting and realistic so I temporarily added her as a favorite, planing to read a few more entries to see what I thought.
I apparently happened to stumble in at the right time and found myself a bystander to a wonderfully awkward and pivotal time in her life. I would visit diaryland JUST to see if she had updated, to find out what she was choosing...WHO she was choosing. I felt like I was living vicariously through her, imagining if and remembering when I was single and had the freedom to take chances with my heart.
I've said this before and I most definitely will say this again, but: Being married is weird. If you actually mean what you committed to (no doubt there's unfortunately plenty of people who don't take it seriously), then you no longer have the luxury of chasing crushes or following through with flirtations. You lose a bit of excitement: the excitement of untold possibility.
And so this girl's adventure has made me remember my own adventure into love, 3 1/2 years ago. It's made me look at K now, as he's laying on the couch, and remember who he was then and what it was like when I looked at his same face and felt all those confused, mixed emotions. Is he really that same person as then? It's so hard to remember the energy of that first kiss, or that those were actually the same lips as I kiss now. What was it like to look at him and be filled with the giddiness of new love, or the nervousness of first admitting that I liked him, possibly more than just 'like'. I don't know if I've forgotten, or just kind of ironed them out over the years into reality.
So I wrote a really long entry, just to chronicle "our story", just to remember what it was all like, and how I knew that he was the One:
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.