Saturday, Jul. 22, 2006 3:07 p.m.
hi. again.
I wish everyone could see me right now, sitting here in the only room with air conditioning (in our record 109 degree heat), my back propped up against a pillow against the wall, my knees bent, my laptop pushed against my jeans, my headphones plugged from my ear to the computer, the finished pint of raspberry sherbet sitting beside me, wearing my red tank top, hair pulled back, and typing.
he just walked in and laid on the bed beside me. he's checking me out, in his boxers and t-shirt, just laying there, thinking how crazy it is that I am his and that he intimately knows the body before him. I see him from the corner of my eye, as he pulls a pillow under his head, shuts his eyes and enjoys the cool air, feeling content in my mere presence.
he is there. and yet he is shut out from my current world, the headphones in my ears creating a bubble around me. I am in my own movie and he is a scene with the soundtrack playing. he lays there, half-asleep, his presence is comforting, in a non-intrusive way.
it is a lazy saturday afternoon.
it is one of those afternoons that make the work week worth it. it's one of those times that reminds you that though life may just be a countdown till death, that you might as well appreciate the process.
I have decided to write again.
I think about death a lot. I don't intentionally do it for morbid-ness sake, but I do it as a way to figure out life. how could I go on if he died?
I can hear his deep breaths of sleep through the pauses of beats in my ears. he is asleep. I stare at him. I like to stare when he cannot object. I stare intensely, as though questioning his reality. how can mere flesh and blood be what he is to me?
I have begun a book. it's a deliberate process, slower than I imagined, for I know that each word weighs heavy. perhaps not on an individual basis, but as a whole. each phrase, each sentence, paragraph and page has the opportunity to create and convey with depth and precision...but if only my ability is sufficient to do so.
I hope my ability is sufficient. or at least will become so.
nearly five years later. I have a love-hate relationship with diaryland.
but I have only a love relationship with writing. I have to come back to it. I will one day die. this is inevitable. Writing is the only means by which I can supercede death. through it, I can continue on. and maybe somehow, my living will not be in vain, a mere byproduct of my parents bodies connecting.
so, here I am. back. writing.
no one reading this can see me as I type, but for one moment in time, know I am here. typing. and smiling.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.