Tuesday, Jul. 31, 2012 9:00 a.m.

feeling down

I've feeling kind of down lately. Don't know why. Just because, I guess. I think my hormones and this never-ending cycle have something to do with it though. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning though so hopefully they'll do some bloodwork and figure out what's going on (actually, I'm pretty sure I know what's going on; I just need the bloodwork to prove it and to be prescribed some medicine to jumpstart my period).

K is possibly about to get hired on to another tv show. Which is actually very exciting for him. It's got a really big name, and well-respected, producer attached to the show, so even K getting this far in the process is a testament to his skills as a writer. But he's anxious right now, wondering if he'll hear anything back and what they think of him and he's nervous that if he meets with them he'll sound dumb and screw everything up.

I'm anxious for him. And nervous. And excited. But only a little. I know better than to be excited about anything until a contract is in hand.

But I'm also nervous for myself. Well, not for myself, I guess, but I personally am nervous for him and nervous for how things will impact me. There. I think that's a better description. I'm nervous because the show is a bit heavy-handed and covers many deep topics and if K begins to work on this - I'm going to feel dumb because I'm not up-to-date on all of those things. And because, let's face it, I don't really care about all those things. I can't. I have a life. I have a job. I have a daughter. I stay at home and don't interact with anyone on a daily basis and don't converse about these things on a daily basis with others. I care, sure, but I can't devote my time to knowing every single thing about every single issue. It's too exhausting. And I've got many more important things to do that more directly affect my own life.

But, as strange it may be for me to be making this connection - I'm worried that it has the potential to drive a wedge between K and I. Already, we're kind of going through a slightly rough patch with come communication challenges - adding more to the mix of things that we don't or can't talk about and share values on is not going to help anything.

I feel like I'm becoming dumber and dumber each day. I really did used to be smart and full of promise and creative and thought in interesting ways. Now I just feel kind of blah. My largest goal at the moment is just organizing my life and figuring out how to do everything I want in a single day: get my work done, do something fun with my daughter, keep her fed and happy, get the dishes done, make dinner, maybe go to the gym, water my garden, spend a little bit of time doing something I want for fun (writing this entry right now would fall into this category), and arrange it all around C's naptimes. And that's it. And then get up and do it again.

I'm not really excited or happy about anything lately. I'm semi-excited about some things, but they always mostly just feel like obligations and I figure the pictures and looking back will make it seem like it was cooler than it was. At least I'll have the memories/pictures.

At least the past three years I taught math, so I felt kind of smart. But now that I'm switching to this new position this year, I'm nervous that I won't get a chance to ever feel smart, that my brain won't ever kick into gear again. I'm worried that I'll function by being in survival mode to get things done - not that I'll ever feel creative and have fun working. I feel like my brain is slowly dying and I'm just watching it, unable to do anything about it.

But take everything I say here with a grain of salt. I'm jut kind of having some bummed out days.

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