Monday, Aug. 14, 2006 10:53 p.m.
with a sense of poise and rationality
so, this one song has been stuck in my head since the middle of last week. it eventually turned into the weekends theme song: not only did it play on the radio every five minutes, but it happened to be about a wedding...and I was at a wedding.
not just any wedding. my sisters wedding. and though my sister definitely would never be considered a whore in the slightest way possible, I did and have always felt uncomfortable with her union.
it was a beautiful wedding. my mom commented that her wedding was the really pretty one, but mine was the really fun one. I considered this an immense complement.
it's always interesting how a trip home reminds you of who you are at your core - it brings out the reasons for why you are the way you are - things start to click about your personality - and you start to understand yourself in ways you hadn't before.
the downfall of growing up in a large family is the lack of personal attention from your parents. I never cared nor realized this before - but I wanted my parents attention this weekend. as we were decorating for her wedding, I found myself telling my mom all the things going on in my life, almost bragging about them, as though I were desperately trying to steal her attention away from my sister and back to me.
I stood beside the alter and watched them as the preacher had them repeat their vows. I sat in the room with her before the ceremony. I stayed in the hotel room with her the night before. I watched her from afar at the reception.
it all seemed to be a show, and she was performing for us. I didn't sense the love they had. I saw the perfect chapel, the perfect dress, the perfect reception location. I knew how amazing the pictures would look. but I just didn't feel anything.
I hope they are in love and I hope they make it work.
I handled myself well this weekend. I did what I was supposed to and showed support in the ways I was supposed to. I'm glad it's over though.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.