Thursday, Aug. 17, 2006 6:47 p.m.

my grandfather died

I didn't write about this in here. I don't know, maybe it got lost in the hustle and bustle of things always going on in my head. or maybe it just wasn't the forerunner of my emotions each time I sat in front of a computer screen the past several days, so it never got written.

but, last week - my grandfather died. he had a heart attack three days before my sisters wedding. it was weird timing, how can a family be happy and sad at the same time? but it was how it had to be and how everyone was this weekend.

my parents went to the funeral on Monday. I didn't. our flight didn't leave Texas until Monday afternoon, and it was the cheap, non-changeable kind. so we didn't change it.

I liked my grandfather. he was cool. I didn't see him that often. I saw him at the past several thanksgivings, and at occasional special family events throughout childhood. he lived in a different state. we never talked just to talk. but still, I thought he was cool. he'd tell me stories about my dad growing up that my dad had always kept quiet about. I liked that. I respected him, though I didn't know him well. he was tough, the old kind of tough that doesn't really exist anymore. he was strict, and firm, but only in an orderly sort of way. we were all going to play poker together at thanksgiving this year. it would have been cool.

I didn't cry when I was told he'd died. I still haven't cried. I don't think I ever will.

my mom called me yesterday to tell me how the funeral went. I think she expected a different reaction from me. but I don't know what I think she expected. I asked her about the service, asked her how dad was - but I guess I didn't show emotion in my voice. because I didn't feel any emotion in my head. and I think she got annoyed, or frustrated, or something. our conversation was awkward and short.

one of my other sisters posted a new blog on myspace yesterday. I read it. she talked about our grandfather's death and how she bawled alone in her car. she seemed to have felt the sadness that has always eluded me.

I talked to K about it last night. is it bad that I don't feel what others feel? am I some evil person for not crying or being upset? I agree that death sucks, and my grandfather's death only reminded me that my life, too, is short, that I will one day be dead. I felt sadness at this, more sadness at this than at the fact that he was gone.

isn't death just as natural as life? it's unfortunate that we must have an end, but we do. and we will die.

I understand this. and I know that any sadness I could feel would not be for him, but for me, and the things I will miss.

only realistically, he was not part of my day-to-day life, and my everyday actions will not notice his absence and mourn for him. I may miss him at Thanksgiving, when I take note of him not being there, but I do not miss him now.

I just don't know if I'm supposed to act another way at his death - and if so, why?

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