Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005 8:39 p.m.

to the "Glory of God"

I know I said I wouldn't talk about anything wedding-related in here, but well, I don't know what to do sometimes.

I'm not really a christian anymore. I'd love to be, but I think too much to believe any of it. I respect christians, and don't mind their beliefs because I understand them - I too used to believe so whole-heartedly once. I even will argue the christian perspectative a lot of times.

I just realistically can't believe that by merely agreeing with the accepted history that a certain man - who many call jesus christ - lived a long time ago and died as a form of supernatural sacrifice, that you are then entitled to exist in an alternate realm, or after-life, called heaven.

if that's all - ok, fine. I believe. what is belief anyways? believing is not knowing otherwise - so anything I don't know I can believe. I don't know that a man named jesus didn't live, so I can believe he did.

there. are you happy now?

what I can't take is the jargon. the meaningless crapful of words that religious people pretend have meaning. I just want to throw them back down their throats. think about what you are saying. what does the fluff mean???

here's where the wedding part comes in.

my fiance's dad is a minister and is marrying us. he's a born-again Christian. just as most of my family are. and most of my friends. and what most people still expect me to be.

his dad has occasiaonlly been sending us pre-martial counseling type of questions - I think he feels like he's helping prepare us. I know that's all he wants to do, I don't doubt his intentions, but I can't dodge the fact of my non-belief forever.

we got this email from him today:
I have a final question.� You can work on this together and I may share this (or part of it)�at the wedding:
�
What will you do so�your marriage will be to the Glory of God?

what the hell do I say???? and what the hell does "to the Glory of God" really mean anyways??? I can't not answer - it means a lot to my fiance to have his dad marry us, and I do think it's kinda cool too...and I want to show respect...but I don't plan for our marriage's sole purpose to be for the "Glory of God" - for one thing, I have no clue how anyone's marrige can be for the "Glory of God". I don't think that phrase means anything.

I don't know how to play along this time. all I want in life is to be real, to be honest. I'm respectful, I care about people, I don't want to cause trouble. I just absolutely despise making myself seem like something I'm not.

and I'm not living my live for the "Glory of God".

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.