Sunday, Aug. 30, 2009 12:02 a.m.

michael's bday

I kind of knew as soon as I got there tonight that it'd end up like this. I just don't fit in very well with anyone.

There's fires in L.A. again. They're close this time; I took a picture from my street today of the billowing smoke in the mountains of our backdrop. The funniest thing is - I bet people in the rest of the country knew about the fires before I did, even with them being in my own backyard. For some reason, California tends to be a bigger deal in the national news than in the local news quite often.

I try not to go to parties much anymore. I know that makes me anti-social, but I also know that I'm likely to feel even more awkward going out than from consistently staying in alone. So I'd rather just be a loser and let K attend things by himself.

But he's mentioned that he wants me to attend things with him. He wants me to get dressed up and allow him to show me off. I know he loves me and I suppose he's proud of having me as a wife...so I agreed to go tonight with him.

I am really, really over Hollywood. And I laugh sometimes, well, many times, but only to myself, at how obsessed with it the rest of the country is. I was at home in Texas a week ago and remember looking at some celebrity magazine laying around and thinking how weird it was that I knew so many of the places those pictures were taken, and that I'd been to some of them. I remember once that friends would ask me if I'd seen any celebrities out here...I no longer really keep track...nor do I really recognize anyone when/if I do meet them. Everyone has done or been in something out here.

K's moving up, I think. And as he moves, the social circles he (and by default, we) are able to associate with moves as well. I never know anyone. I am a 'plus one'.

We went to some party tonight. "For Michael Jackson's birthday". It was in the Hills, in this really cute/cool little house. Michael Jackson stuff was everywhere. It was total pop geek cool.

I'm not pop geek cool. I grew up differently than all these people. I didn't obsess over Michael Jackson, or watch his music videos, or learn his dances. I didn't get their references to his songs. I didn't fit into conversations. I never do really.

I mean, realistically, why would anyone want to talk to me anyways? a) I don't work in the industry and am not important to know. b) I'm married, so no chance of getting laid. c) I teach math, and apparently everyone hated math in school.

I do not have friends. Not anymore. Last week in Texas, I went out with some of my college girlfriends. I got a little drunk. I even cried in front of one of the girls. They are so far away from me, and so settled with their houses and their pregnancies and their lives. I'm jealous. And lonely.

I can't handle these pregnancies. I'm too jealous at how easy it was for them. And I've pretty much lost my previous best friend over one.

At least if I were pregnant, I could find other moms or moms-to-be to be friends with. Now I'm just stuck in-between two different stages of my life: the part I'm ready to be out of, and the part I want to be in. There's not many other people in this waiting part with me, and I can't really be friends with either side either. So I just wait. And drink off my loneliness.

We were only there for about an hour tonight. Everyone was so pretty, so put together, so fashionable. It was so Hollywood. I tried, I really did. I got a drink; I followed K around, allowing him to introduce me to people and pretend to remember having met others previously. I never really remember them, but oh well. I just have nothing to add. I wish people were ok with that. I wish I didn't have to feel weird.

K brought me back to the house, then went back to the party. I had another drink and now am getting sleepy.

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