Thursday, Sept. 1, 2005 7:28 a.m.

will you marry me?

my sister and her boyfriend are visiting so we took them out to eat last night. afterwards we went walking on the beach.

I�ve never been to the beach at night. it was so, well, �romantic. I�m not even usually the romantic type of girl. but well, the waves crashing, and the warm summer night, and the darkness which makes you feel like you are alone for miles, and it all just feels so nice.

and I was sitting there silently with my fianc� staring into the ocean. and I started thinking how nice a place like this would be for a date�the ultimate place for deep discussion, the opening of each other�s souls, the first kiss with someone that you really liked and are intrigued by. it�d be the perfect place for a wedding proposal too.

my fianc� was just sitting there, unaware of any of these thoughts running through my mind.

I had always dreamed about some amazing proposal when I got engaged. I thought about proposal ideas more than wedding plans growing up. I wanted to be surprised. I wanted something cool.

I got engaged at Disneyland. I completely knew it was coming. it was during the fireworks show. in this little secluded area back behind the fast past machines for haunted mansion. honestly, not exactly what I�d always hoped for, but it was the man I�d always hoped for was doing the asking and that was obviously more important to me.

yet as I sat there thinking last night at the beach, part of me still wished for the elaborate proposal I never got. and now would never get.

and then I realized that I would never fall in love again. that I would never experience the wonder and amazement and giddiness at getting to know someone and finding that intimate connection with.

and it made me kinda sad. well, maybe sad isn�t the right word. it was bittersweet. it was reality. I have the man whom I�m committed to for the rest of my life, and he the same to me. I love him with the depths of my soul. he is me. I know what he is thinking. he is my best friend and I would never change that for the entire world.

but still. it was such a perfect moment. I really wished I had been proposed to at a perfect moment. I knew it was a selfish thought, but a thought of mine nerveless.

my fianc� asked what I was thinking about. he knows I hate when people ask that. but I was staring into space and it was obvious something was on my mind.

through the beginning of tears, I told him. that I kinda wished we had gotten engaged somewhere else. that I had always wanted something big. and that I was just being a stupid girl and letting the romantic-ness of the beach at night get to me.

we sat for half a second. I felt really really stupid, yet relived that I could tell him anything. it was weird.

he took my hand. then he took off my ring. as soon as I realized what he was doing, the tears came full force. I am such a stupid girl sometimes.

�will you marry me?�

the answer, for the second time, is obvious. but for some reason, this time, as completely unexpected as it was, it felt just as real as the first. I was making the same commitment. love is wonderful, but it isn�t always blissful. the future is so weird. and to think that I know that one thing is going to be constant for this future I can�t see�well, it�s hard to imagine.

still, I�ll imagine it.

30 days.

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