Friday, Sept. 08, 2006 2:54 p.m.
driven to...well, that's the question.
there's this feeling that comes over me some times. it's not so much a feeling, but a passion. it comes in fleeting moments, and in those moments I always seek to write, to capture the intensity of the thoughts I experience and feel.
often it is hard to correctly solidify the experience.
its supreme clarity - onlyy it's jumbled. but something is felt. or even better, something is known.
I feel alive in these moments.
I feel alive right now.
but it's a nervous alive. as though time is wasting. as though time exists soley for my use. and I have an unbridled desire to use it up - in the right way.
I'm thinking. my mind is on fire.
I don't know if others feel it like this - I only know that i do.
my fingers fly on the keyboard, the rest of the world loses its focus. i see the letters as I press them and I feel anxiousness in my being. that's all I know.
I need to write. I need to get it out. i need to organize the things i think. i need others to understand. I need it to make sense.
perhaps it bothers me more than most. perhaps I am weak and give into the temptations of my mind more often. perhaps I have some part of my brain that never fully developed and keeps me from ever reaching a resolution.
I don't know. all i know is what I think.
I've done a lot of searching. a lot of questioning. a lot of pondering.
I care about finding the answer. I care about wanting to know why i am alive. I care about the value of my own person.
I do.
I cannot just turn it off. I cannot accept that my life is meaningless and that my questions lead to no end.
i do not know why i want answers, but what bothers me even more is knowing that I want them. why do I so long for something if I can never obtain it?
why do we search for answers and meaning and an eternal existance if none exist? how would we even know to long for it? how can we desire a non-existance? how can we even concieve of a non-existance in order to desire it?
doens't something exist for which I am constantly seeking? why else would I be seeking?
i have to write this book. it is time.
I don't know how to make it be what I want it to be, but I need to try. I need more moments like this, like right now. where my head goes off and my fingers follow its' lead.
there has to be something. that we all follow, right? some order, that applies to us all? some rule, some belief about life, that we can all share, as human beings. something we can agree on, that we can strive for together - one underlying rule and order to the universe?
I can't stop until I find it.
I just hope I don't die before then.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.