Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 3:15 p.m.
new job and weird dreams
I accepted the job yesterday late afternoon; now I just have to resign from my current job on Monday morning. I know that I'm allowed to resign, that my contract states I'm an "at-will" employee and I'll suffer no ramifications, and that this new job is going to be awesome and what I've been wanting for two years, and that my salary will be about the same, and that everything will end up working out fine...but I feel so so so awful about quitting this school only one week into the school year.
All these kids, that I've just met, that I'm just figuring out their personalities. The whole classroom management plan I've been working on for weeks and weeks. All the work I've done to get the classroom ready. All of it...and I'm leaving it.
I'm still having these panicky attack things. My heart still hurts. I am dreading telling my principal. I'm trying to get excited about this new job. I hope it's what I expect - what if I do all this and I hate it? Where will I go from there?
Meanwhile, I still have all this work now to plan for next week. Next weekend can't come soon enough.
_________
I had some weird dreams this morning.
In one, K had nonchalantly admitted to me that he was in a semi-relationship with a female friend of his and that they had even slept together.
Analysis: One of the friends we hung out with last night had dated this one girl for awhile, but then they broke up because she wanted a future and he not. Then he started dating a friend of hers and now they are both pretty serious, in a short amount of time. I think my dream was in some way trying to understand that situation?
In another dream, I died.
One thing I seem to dream about a lot is water. Specifically ocean water. With really, really large waves and water that continues to rise. In the dream this morning, a rogue wave toppled the house I was standing in. I watched it coming. Then, in the aftermath, I stood in the destruction with a few others. Rescuers were trying to find survivors - we were standing right there in front of them - but they couldn't see us, and we realized we were dead.
Analysis: I assume I dream about rising water when I have a lot of things going on and feel like I'm about to be overwhelmed. Sometimes I'm able to get to higher land, sometimes I'm trapped, but this is first time I can remember where the water overtakes me. I hope that's not a bad omen.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.