Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007 12:56 p.m.

casting process

I always wondered what it'd be like, to be on the other side of reality tv casting. I knew what was going to happen, but it's a totally different game when you're the one actually sitting there with the camera and the lights and the people on couches asking you questions.

I'd seen the MMPI test many times. I'd laughed at the questions before. I'd wondered what it would say about me if I ever took it. I was almost afraid to take it.

But I had to take it yesterday. The psychologist discussed it with me afterwards. "What did you mean when you marked false for 'I hardly ever feel my heart racing or my breathing becoming fast'?" I felt strange answering these questions, like I was having to account for all the things that make me different, for my honesty in describing my stress. I didn't know if I was supposed to answer something different. Sometimes I don't know what is "different".

I guess the whole thing went ok. I got a call from my sister saying she got a phone call from them. I guess that's good. They want to find out more about me.

But I just felt so blah at the end of the day. As though I haven't done anything worthy of any interest. I met with a risk management person and was asked a million questions about if I'd ever been arrested, or posed nude, or had any serious quarrels with a past lover. I answered a series of no, no, no to everything. Yes, I've smoked weed maybe 5 or 6 times...and that's it. God, am I boring.

I could have been a mob member of the game show 1 vs. 100 today. Maybe taken home a few thousand dollars. But I didn't go. I'm gonna wait out this Nothing But The Truth thing. I hope I've made the right choice.

You know, despite my credo for truth, I did lie. About the website I created when I was in college. The one secret thing I have/had in my life. I told them the only websites I've ever had are myspace and facebook. I didn't tell them about this diary either.

Maybe that would have made me interesting. Or maybe it would have made me too weird for the show. Who knows.

I fudged about depression too. Sure, I told them I got depressed in college, but that it was because I lost my religion, I said. I told them I'd never thought about suicide or felt I couldn't get out of bed. Those are both lies. There was a brief time in my life when both were true.

I'm not afraid to tell the truth; I'm afraid of people labeling me as abnormal.

I may embarrass myself if I do this thing; I may upset my mom and she won't speak to me for awhile. But the only thing I'm really afraid of is being told that something that I think is the truth is indeed a lie. I'm afraid of being misunderstood and misunderstanding myself.

But I REALLY want to win $500,000.

I hope I make the show.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.