Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 6:46 p.m.

Blind Date

um, yeah. so I went on this blind date earlier this summer. only it was being filmed the whole time 'cause it was for this um, not-so-high-class show called Blind Date. it was fun, actually, my date was decent and we got along. ironically, my date then got a job working at Blind Date, and so we've occasionally kept in touch and he's kept me in the loop about our episode.

the episode has been edited and so I drove to the Blind Date offices today because my date had snagged me an early tape of our episode. that was weird. my date was introducing me to some people and was like, "This was my date" as though I was someone that people already knew. I introduced myself to one guy and he was like "yeah, I know, I edited your episode." weird.

so I don't have a VCR at home. but I had to stop by my old offices for some stuff and stopped by a friends desk who knew that I had done Blind Date. I asked if there was an extra VCR/headphones someplace I could watch my episode and he let me use his. I didn't care if he saw the date - I just didn't want anyone else to see.

see, I knew how they were going to portray me on there - as a total nerd. as it always is on those shows, they had a ball with the fact that I'm a virgin. I'm ok with this fact, since it's something I've chosen, but not something that I really want everyone in the office to know about.

so I figure that if I was inconspicious and kept the headphones on, no one would know what was going on. WRONG. everyone was standing behind me and as much as I then tried to hide the screen, it was hopeless 'cause it only drew more of a crowd. at least I figured it was safe if they couldn't hear anything...

WRONG again. they had typed there on the screen something about me being a "virgin by choice". yeah, well, so that's that. so much for not wanting everyone to know. I figured it didn't matter if I turn up the volume anymore, so then we all watched the rest of it together.

I'm not embarrased of myself, per se. I expected them to make fun of me. I expected it before I went on the show. everyone there watching works in reality tv so they know that that's just how things were edited and that's not necesarily how I really am...but still, watching that was WAY weirder than I expected. seeing yourself on tv. in that way. weird. it was like I was constantley drawn to the screen, but at the same time, it was too awful to look.

I wasn't embarrased of myself or how I acted, but I was so embarrased watching it with everyone - I was shaking with embarrassment, which I didn't even know you could do.

I'm glad I don't work there anymore. it made me not want to face anyone again.

I can't believe I was on Blind Date. I can't believe that's going to air. I'm never telling anyone when the air date is.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.