Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2010 9:43 p.m.

it's my party?

I'm halfway through my first drink of the evening (quite strong, I must admit; I made it) and I'm already starting to feel it.

It is bad how much alcohol makes me feel happier sometimes?
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My birthday is in exactly a month. My 30th birthday. About a month ago, I decided to plan my birthday party. A murder mystery party.

I love murder mystery parties. I've thrown four others. I like them because there is an objective. A goal. You and the guests are actually doing something at the party other than talking about pointless crap. You're just plain having fun.

I invited 62 people. I'll be lucky if 15 of them actually commit to coming and do.

I'm so excited about this party; you have no idea. It's stupid, really, but it gives me something to be excited about. I've ordered cool party decorations, an authentic 1920's pattern to make my dress from, I've planned out everything. Researched period-correct food, drink, dances, music - I've even found images on what what US money looked like in the 1920's and made play money with the images (money is part of the party game).

I've gone all out. I've spent a lot of money. It IS my birthday present. I want it to be great. And even more than that, I enjoy having something to look forward to and plan for.

My only difficulty is in getting people to come. It's depressing actually. I have no friends. No real friends. 62 people invited. Maybe 3 of them I'd consider real friends, who actually know me and like me for me. And those are all the ones who live 1.5-5 hours away and probably will not make it. And one of them is my cousin; my own blood relation.

I'm worried that not enough people will come and I'll have to cancel the party. I need at least 12 for it to run properly. But I want at least 20 for it to be fun. 20. That's a 32% invitation acceptance rate.

Why is my life in a place where I would be HAPPY if 32% of my so-called friends/acquaintances came to a party I threw??

I mean, I'm feeding them. I'm PAYING for their dinner that night. AND their drinks. Alcoholic drinks. I'm throwing it early enough in the evening so that they can go out to the clubs/bars afterwards, if that's their thing. I'm giving them the chance to do something new and different on a Saturday night. I'm hosting and organizing the entire thing; all they have to do is show up and be willing to play along.

I'm even offering CASH MONEY as prizes.

And yet, I will be lucky if I get 15 people.

This is my shitty life. I have no friends.

All I want is people to come. I'm inviting ANYONE who will come. Everyone who lives within driving distance who's name I actually know. I keep expanding my invite list.

I know I still have a month to go. I know that people will decide to come at the last minute (when they discover that there's nothing better going on that they'd rather attend instead)...but I also know that the couple people who have RSVPed will likely drop out at the day gets closer too.

I really hope people come to my party.

I wish I had friends, not just these facades of people who only pretend to be friends if it's beneficial to them.
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I think I'll go have a second drink. And maybe try to seduce K for some evening fun.

Thank God I have K. He is absolutely everything to me. And the only thing I have.

(I hope we make a kid one day)

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