Sunday, Sept. 30, 2012 9:56 a.m.

dreams of being a SAHM

I think I'd like to try out being a stay-at-home-mom. Not a work-at-home-mom. But STAY-at-home. Who knows, maybe I'd hate it. But maybe I'd love it.

But I just wish I could try it out. It's hard being a work-at-home mom. I'm neither a working mom nor a SAHM, but yet I'm both. I get the benefits of some of each, but the negatives of both as well.

But I can't be a SAHM. Finances don't allow it. Insurance doesn't allow it. Stability doesn't allow it. We can't survive on just K's irregular salary. We can't survive on just my salary either. But at least the ebb and flow of K's salaries balance things out.

Some months we have money. Lots of it. K gets some residual checks or we get a huge tax return, or he has a high paying job. And then we look at our bank balance and feel happy and relieved. We start planning to pay off debt; we buy things that we've been wanting for awhile, we take a trip or two to visit family.

But then other months, we aren't as lucky. The financier of K's company backs out and checks bounce. Other large expenses present themselves. Project that K thought might be going somewhere don't. In those times, we pull back money we were going to pay to debt, we don't buy many things, and we worry how long it will be until the next influx of money.

This is our lives. Over and over and over again. One minute we're rich, the next minute we're poor. It's so hard to balance it all and to know how to treat money. Some days we offer to buy things for others because we can easily afford it. Other days we can't really afford to pay for even ourselves (but can't really tell anyone that).

K works so hard. He's written so many things. He's come so close to "making it" numerous times. We get our hopes up, without admitting we've gotten our hopes up, over and over again.

It's a crappy life guys, the entertainment industry. If I have any advice for young up-and-comers, it's this: find something else. Don't move here (to LA or NY). It's not worth it. Find another passion and job while you're still young and can start over still.

We toy with the idea of moving back to Texas all the time. But it's a stupid idea; what would K do? I can teach anywhere, but I also can't support a family on a teacher's salary. K is good in his business, but being good here doesn't mean anything. And I don't know where his skills would transfer.

Blah. We're having a blah weekend. Too many things recently have seemed so promising, yet fallen through. We're both tired of hoping. He's waiting on this one last maybe promising thing, but each day of waiting feels like a slow acceptance of it not happening. So it's just blah.

K has such a strong determination though. I admire that. If I were in his shoes, I don't know how I'd have the umph to keep writing. But he does, and keeps working on new things, always believing this his newest project will be 'The One' that makes us rich. Or at least him successful.

So yeah, I can't be a stay-at-home-mom. Although, the more I think about it, the more I think I'd like to be. I'm exhausted all the time and the house is always a mess and I never cook meals anymore. And I wish I had the energy or desire to do that kind of stuff. Not to mention that I think that it'd make our household happier to have all of those things taken care of on a regular basis.

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