Friday, Oct. 02, 2009 7:52 p.m.
random thoughts, dated 10/2/09
I had a dream last night that I gave birth. Only I didn't know I was pregnant. Just like the people on that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". Honestly, it was kind of cool.
I've been watching a lot of tv this week. Probably because K has been out of town since Sunday. And work, while awesome, has been exhausting. So I just want to watch tv and sleep at night.
We've been married for 4 years. As of yesterday. Yep, he was out of town. I kind of forgot that it was my anniversary at all.
I'm trying to figure out what to do this weekend. I kind of like the idea of staying in, by myself. Is that bad?
When I was younger, I created a secret code that I memorized and became pretty adept at. I even got to the point where I could decipher my code by sight without even having to translate it. I wish I still remembered my code; it would be cool to write occasional diary entries in. Just for fun.
Have I mentioned that I love my job? I love the kids, because well, I'm reminded of myself a little bit in them. Too independent for traditional school. It's like homeschool...but not homeschool. Interesting kids. Quirky kids. And parents who actually care about their kids education...and upbringings.
It's funny. When I meet these parents, I always find myself trying to 'mature' myself to them at some point in the conversation. I'm sure I look young and they are curious, but won't ask. I never say my age, but instead, "oh, I was 14 when my youngest sister was born. She's in 9th grade now", or "I moved out here right after college, and even though it's been 6 years, I'll probably always consider Texas home". I also find myself mentioning that I'm married quite a bit, as if somehow the fact the I've had a husband for 4 years makes me more responsible, or more qualified to coordinate their child's education. I even find myself slipping in that "no, no kids yet, but now with this new job, we've been talking about stating one soon" because again, somehow I want them to feel like I can be relatable, or something. Or maybe I just want to fit in?
I think I'm gonna make a rum and coke right now. And watch some tv. I'll probably pass out before I finish one. It's 8:30pm. On Friday. Oh well. I don't feel like a loser; therefore I am not one.
I think tomorrow I'm going to clean. Clean, clean, clean. I haven't done anything this week. Dishes have been in the sink for 5 days. Laundry was folded last weekend and still not put away. I don't remember the last time I've cleaned the bathrooms. So yeah, tomorrow: clean.
K comes home in 5 or 6 days. I still love him to death, but somehow our time spent apart has become easier and easier to deal with over the years. I used to be depressed and sorta empty inside when we'd be away from each other. Now, I'm kind of bored, and slightly lonely, but I know he'll return before I know it.
Ok, and so concludes my random thoughts for the evening. I'm making my rum and coke and going to watch tv.
the end.
10:37pm ETA (edited to add): I'm now on my third rum/coke. And doing fine. Been looking though pictures and decided to put on my wedding dress. It's been 4 years since I've worn this thing. Man, I loved this dress. I love that I designed it and made it myself. I love the beadwork I put into it. I love that it's different than every other wedding dress I've ever seen. I love that it's simple. I love that I've managed to make it through 4 years of marriage. I love it that I'm going to make it through many more.
I'm totally going to fall asleep wearing this. And I totally don't care.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.