Saturday, Oct. 04, 2003 8:47 p.m.
dear diary, will you be my friend?
craigslist is my favorite place in the world. well, maybe not my favorite but the Los Angeles craigslist is much more exciting to me right now than the city of L.A. itself.
craigslist is like the classifieds, only better. I've found two really awesome volunteering opportunities through it. now I just wish I could find friends through it.
I actually like sitting at home on a Sat. night. as soon as I finish this entry, I'm planning on watching Taxi Driver and maybe reading the book I'm currently reading (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintiance). I actually am enjoying myself. I don't want to do the whole L.A. scene. clubs bore me. I know no one is orginally from L.A., but I'm sick of being just another hopeful. I'm not really just a hopeful. I don't hope to be anything.
why am I out here? to do something challenging, to see if I can survive, to see where my life will take me. but it's almost that if I don't have a specific goal, I will never be taken seriously enough to make it.
I've seen a couple of posts on craigslist for people who are new to L.A. to get together and meet, but I almost want to be scared off by a posting on the internet for friends. internet people are supposed to be scary, right?
I'm an internet person.
I have an online diary. I have a website posting some of my most innermost thoughts on what I think are important topics. I email people that I don't know. by all means, I should be classified into that scary internet people group.
it's unbelievable how aware I now am of the availability of friends I had in school. everyone I knew lived within a 5 mile radius. there were people that I was content just sitting around talking, watching TV, or playing board games with. there were people who knew me and still liked me if I got a huge zit on my forehead or said something really, really retarded.
other then my roommate, I know of one person I could call to hang out with. ONE. and he lives 20 min. away. and I consider myself lucky for even knowing him.
I just want to know people. I just want to belong somewhere.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.