Sunday, Oct. 08, 2006 12:43 p.m.
when I was 17...
so I have a lot of younger sisters. and in a way, I've always felt responsible for them, as though I'm supposed to be a role model for them, a mentor, a guide on the path of life.
I learned years ago that they make their own choices and that I really can't do anything about it.
still, I feel it. my mom will still occasionally ask me to talk to one of my sisters, like I can miraciously straighten them out or something. I lived my whole life, up until my early 20s, feeling the responsibilty to be a certian way as an example to others.
so even though I know I don't have to live my life like that anymore - I still feel it sometimes.
my third youngest sister, 20, just infomred me that my fourth oldest sister, 17 and a senior in high school, brought weed to her house when she came to visit last weekend. just pulled it out and told her she was going to go smoke it.
this really bothers me. I worry about my sister. us older three girls turned out alright. we were sheltered, and while we all went through the time of despising our background, we all survived pretty dang well.
j (my 17 yr. ols sis) has been partying for years. she drinks, apparently smokes pot (and who knows if there's anything else she's done), and doesn't really care about college, other than getting a scholarship for softball.
oh, and she's been severly depressed and tried to kill herself with pills.
I've wanted to help her in the past. I want to help her now. I want to let her know that I've been depressed, that I've seriously considered suicide. I want to let her know that she's coming close to seriously messing up her life - what if they do a drug test and kick her off the softball team? softball is all she has ever known.
other people in the family have told her this. I've emailed her this. she doesn't care.
I don't know what to do.
I tell myself that there is nothing else I can do and to just let her mess up her life if she wants to. it is not my fault she makes the choices she does and I shouldn't have to feel the guilt from her mistakes.
I am never having kids. I don't want to feel the guilt even more than I feel the guilt now just from being an older sister. some people say that the parents should raise her better...but my parents have already raised three sucessful kids, they've done all they could - it is NOT thier fault.
I don't know what I should do. or even if I should do anything.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.