Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2005 8:40 p.m.
appearance
I took my wedding album to work today. a bunch of the kids had wanted to see pictures.
kids are honest. and will say what they think before realizing if they should or shouldn't say it. that's why I like kids. but they sometimes haven't figured out how to see beyond appearance.
but why is appearance the only thing that matters??
honestly, I know I can have my moments. I can dress up, do my makeup, and look pretty hot...but I also know that I have zits. I know I don't have a rock-hard stomach. I know I don't dress fashionably...and I know I purposely never look my best - I want to always feel that I could make myself look better.
I know my sister is incredibly hot. I know she looks like a model. I know she wears the right clothes and knows how to wear make-up and do her hair. I know she has the perfect body. I forever have been and forever will be jealous of her.
I know that there are hotter guys than my husband. I was not physically attracted to him at first (of course, he was 75 lbs. heavier then too...)
but seriously, I look at him now and can't remember not thinking how cute he is. and sometimes when he looks at me in a particular way, or when he wears a certain shirt that brings out the blue in his eyes perfectly - he is the most gorgeous thing in the world to me and I don't know how every other single girl in the world can help but fall in love with him.
I hate pictures - because the only thing they have to show, and be judged on...is appearance. no wonder people hate having their pictures taken.
I sometimes wish that everyone's outside beauty matched their inside beauty...that we could all turn ourselves inside out - it'd be a lot easier to weed out the authentic people from the fake ones this way.
I think that's why I love diaryland. I don't know most people's physical appearance...and I think I prefer to keep it that way.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.