Friday, Oct. 22, 2004 10:42 a.m.
recrudescence
so I had this really cool idea to come back to good ole Texas for ACU's homecomming...
but maybe it wasn't such a cool idea. I should've re-read my old diary entries and reminded myself - what the hell could I have missed from this place?
oh, did I mention it's my birthday today? 24 freakin years old. I'm so pathetically pathetic. I'm old. and boring. and vapid.
I'm not married. I'm unemployed. I live in L.A. - city of no one having any clue where they're going in life. I don't know where I'm going in life. I feel as though everything I do is shallow.
I'd been bragging about this bar - the insanely cheap drink specials. I was excited to go back. I was excited to run into old friends.
I feel like I'm in the movie Garden State, only I'm realizing the opposite. my friendships here at ACU were so shallow. I played a game the whole time I was here. I was surface. I was who I had to be in order to survive and flourish here. I wasn't very real.
I think I'm real now. and being back here and trying to both be real, yet be the not-real me that people were friends with was way too weird. plus I got drunk. plus midnight was my birthday. and no one noticed or cared. and I'm 24. and back in this town, that's old enough to be an old maid. and I just felt like my life didn't matter and I was one of those old washed-up college partiers who keeps trying unsuccessfully to re-live their college days.
so it all hit me. and I cried. at the bar. while I was drunk. it was miserable.
this town has never been good to me. why the hell did I come back?
I was just on the phone and was talking to someone about being at the bar last night - oops, I'm at ACU, I'm not supposed to talk about alcohol in public, I forgot. I can't even sing any of the Team America songs that randomly get stuck in my head, A) they say "fuck" in them and that's bad, and B) no one here would have a clue what I'm talking about because no one's seen the movie because it's 'bad'!
if it wasn't for my sister and my best friend being in this town, I'd curse this place to hell.
I'm in a weird mood, ignore me, I'm sorry.
I can't believe it's my fucking birthday. I think I'm having my quarter life crisis.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.