Monday, Oct. 30, 2006 3:59 p.m.
things make me think too much
there are a few websites that I can get lost in. they are expansive, containing the kinds of knowledge (or at least the kinds of perceived knowledge that we consider knowledge) that normally, in the old days, could have been found only in libraries.
one of these websites is imdb.com.
sometimes, while visiting the page of a particular movie or actor that interests me, I will be drawn to the message boards, curious to see what others opinions are.
it's kind of along the same lines of why I check my notes regularly, or read other people's diaries - I want to find out if others think like me; I want to share my opinion; I want others to agree with mine.
a book that I am particularly fond of is going to be made into a movie. it bothers me when people use harsh words to criticize the book that I thought was fascinating and eye-opening. did I miss something? or did everyone else? am I the clueless one - or the only one with the needed clue?
I'm starting to view this hollywood thing from the inside-out. I'm not on the inside yet, but I'm no longer outside, either. I'm in the doorway, able to see either side...depending on how I bend my neck.
and I wonder, bending my neck from side to side and observing the differences of viewpoint - which position is right? inside or outside? how do we know? who do we listen to?
can I trust the common belief to be the correct belief? do I have any other choice? should I stubbornly remain in my own opinions, even if my own opinions turn out to be immature and not well thought out?
should an insider change to match the outsiders' perceptions? or should the outsiders become what the insiders deem appropriate?
should I listen to the people on the message boards and abdicate my book's enjoyment to my youth and naivet�? should a hollywood star take into account how her fans think she should portray herself?
or should we do what we want and automatically think we are right for thinking as we do?
I don't know. but I wish I did.
I wish I knew a lot of things. life would be easier then.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.