2001-12-31 4:48 p.m.

i have the most pathetic life

OK, what's really annoying is that I saw A Beautiful Mind the other day and was planning on getting on here and writting all about it, 'cause it was real interesting, but now, I'm not really thinking about it at all.

I'm depressed again. Well, maybe not. I'm NOT in a good mood and I feel incredibly pathetic and I'm reminded how pathetic indeed my life is, but I don't feel that overwhelming sense of wanting to be dead. So, I guess, I'm actually doing pretty good. But I'm not smiling or anything.

I hate having younger sisters. Especially ones that are goregous. Especially when they're 4 years younger. And especially when they are better than you at EVERY SINGLE THING. For real, there is nothing that I have that my younger sister does not have better of. I feel my position of being the actual oldest dosen't exist. I guess it makes it convienient for me if I ever dissapeared from the family, huh? It's not like I add anything that she couldn't replace. And what sucks most of all is that I really like my sister. We have fun together. This would be a lot easier to take if she was always mean and bitchy and I hated her.

See, we were at the bookstore today. I love that place. I could spend forever and a day in there. So many books, so much oppourinity for knowledge. I get overwhelmed in ther. I want to read everything. I've discovered recently that I have a crazy, inexhaustable thirst for knowledge. I just want to know as much as I can in this measly little life, I guess.

Anyways, the whole point of me telling that we were in the bookstore is that WHILE I was standing with her, this guy(who WAS cute)came up to her and said that he had seen her and wanted to meet her. OK, yeah, I felt dumb just standing there, so I pretended to start looking at some books or something while he asked her some questions and got her phone # and junk. This guy was in college and much closer to my age than hers. I felt totally invisible and ugly. yeah, what made this whole stupid thing worse was the fact that I had seen this guy walking around earlier and thought he was cute. Of course he wouldn't stop to talk to me, but only my sister!!!!!

Also, it's New Years Eve and guess what I am doing? Absolutley nothing!!! it seriously makes me want to cry! I hate my life! I think I may just go to bed at 10 and not wake up til tomorrow moring so I don't have to realize how much of a loser I am! And it's not like I didn't try. I was gonna go to Dallas to see some friends and party w/them, but that didn't work out unfortunley. And then I tried to call my best friend to see about us going downtown or something. but she's a bum and I guess dosen't really have a reason to need to go downtown. She's got a serious boyfriend in another state and there's no reason for her to want to go meet guys. I don't really know anyone else here anymore, no old high school friends and I'm gonna be stuck at home with my family watching the Disney Zoogin' New Years Eve party. talk about a pathetic life!! and I'm finally 21 now, for God's sake!

So, yeah, I have an absolutlely pathetic life and thinking about it only makes me feel more pathetic.

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