Friday, Nov. 02, 2007 2:19 p.m.

making babies

Some weird thoughts have been charging into my head recently. Thoughts I swore I would not think about for a few more years at least. Thoughts that the logical part of my brain is warning me to stay away from. But thoughts that keep creeping in anyways.

Procreation.

I had an ultrasound today for this egg donation thing. It was my first ultrasound and there's obviously no kid inside, but the black and gray blobs on screen made me wonder what it'd look like if there was.

I am around a lot of kids and their parents. So it follows that I've picked up many tips on how and how not to raise my own children. I think about it a lot, what kind of structure I'm going to enforce, what will/will not be allowed, how I will handle certain situations. I talk to a lot of mothers on-set, and they naturally talk about their kids, so I really am privy to quite a bit.

In looking for information on the egg donation process, I've become part of the online fertility community. I visit messageboards, and I hear people's experiences. And to be honest, it kind of scares me. So many women have waited so long to get pregnant, and then have such difficulty - it makes me rethink wanting to wait myself. I am already 27; over halfway through the prime childbearing years. And I definitely want to have more than one kid.

It was strange today, the doctor interpreting the gray and black blobs outloud to me. I could see my uterus, and my left ovary with six "resting" follicles, and then the big black blob that should have been my right ovary. "Oh, looks like you have a large cyst on your right ovary".

I don't know exactly what this means for the donation; we still have to wait for the blood results, but it may have to be pushed back a few months...if not forever.

In my early to mid teens, after everyone else had started their period, and I hadn't, I thought something was wrong with me. I thought maybe I could never have kids, or maybe I could never be normal. I did eventually get my period, but I think that somewhere deep down, I'm still afraid that something is wrong with me.

I know or have heard of very few people our age our here that have kids. But K has one friend that does, and next weekend, we're babysitting for them. I think we're both kind of excited; we know it's future training for us. K's never been around babies, and with five younger sisters, I spent way more of my childhood than normal with them.

It'll be interesting.

It's also interesting that K and I have both made a few comments in the past few months...we both are excited in thinking that we will one day be the father/mother of each other's children. It's a strange thought: that something will exist that will include elements of us both. Strange. But absolutely fascinating.

I suddenly have this burning desire to establish my fertility, as though it's this amazing force that I just now realized I am entitled to, both because I am a human, and most importantly, a woman. I want the capacity to create the most intricate and awesome thing possible for a human to create: a life.

So I'm just hoping and praying that everything works out with the donation. And that I am fine. And that I can produce good eggs for these people. And that somewhere out there, I helped create a life.

Because if not, I'm afraid my logic is going to lose this battle...and I'm going to start thinking seriously about getting pregnant with my own kids.

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