Saturday, Nov. 02, 2013 1:08 p.m.

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And to think that I once thought that infertility was trying on a marriage.

Ha ha, serious financial distress and having a husband who lives with his heads in the clouds and who constantly thinks that his projects will sell and make us millionaires and holds on to that dream (since it'd be the "easiest" way) and refuses to get any kind of part time job to help support us meanwhile I'm majorly stressing and trying to find financial support and looking at bankruptcy as a serious option - which by the way would mean that we could never buy a home or have decent credit again - THIS IS WAAAAY WORSE.

I'm sorry to anyone struggling to conceive right now, but seriously. I don't know what to do anymore. This is a much harder situation to be in.

I love him and all, but really. This is bad. This whole mess we're in is very bad.

And if things aren't worked out by the time this baby comes, I can almost promise that I will get some severe post partum depression. Because I'm already kind of depressed and lost, but I'm too stressed and busy at the moment trying to figure out ways to survive to stop and think about it. But once I have this kid, and then whole overwhelming new phase of life comes down on me and my emotions will already be out of wack and with sleep depravation and a screaming baby who will want to suck on my boob (which will likely be in pain and cracked and bleeding again) every few hours in order to shut it up...I don't know how I will keep going.

K, your show better sell. Or else you'd better get a job at Starbucks.

If I was one to threaten this or I actually meant it, I'd threaten to leave if you don't.

But I don't mean it, so I don't threaten it. I couldn't leave him. I love him and he's a good father and other than this horrible financial situation he's gotten us into and isn't working to fix, he really is a good guy.

But do I have to admit that all of this would be a thousand times easier to handle (not to mention that we probably would've never gotten ourselves into this mess to begin with), if I had just been on my own to make my own decisions about how to do things. I can't fix things now because I can't control them.

And not having full control is the single most difficult thing about being married.

Good thing K claims not to read these entries ever anymore. If he does and sees this, oh well, too bad. You had it coming; you shouldn't have read it if you didn't want to know it. You're already pretty good at ignoring things you don't want to believe, so you can't get mad at me for being truthful where you didn't have to read it.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.