Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2003 11:47 p.m.

Nov. 4th -my annual prediction day

ok, so every Nov. 4th and May 4th, I'm kinda a dork, but I predict where I think my life will be in a year and then each year I get to laugh at myself for where I thought I'd be today. it actually also serves to keep me in kind of a reality check about the predictability of my life. but anyways, this is from my written journal today:

ok, I'm in barnes n nobel right now, in one of those nice comfy chairs in the back. part of me feels really silly being here in the wide open. but I wanted to come to some place public. for some reason, I feel so much more alone and undisturbed when I'm surrounded by others and still feel alone. plus, being surrounded by books which contain so many words I can't even imagine to ever be able all to experience or know.

anyways, today is Nov. 4 - my annual little prediction day. I think I've been doing this for 5 yrs now. crazy, crazy stuff in my life has happened since I started this tradition. actually, crazy, crazy stuff has happened since last year when I made today's prediction. I don't remember if I said anything good in today's prediction, but just knowing that I was in such a strange and crazy place in my life a year ago and that today, a year later, was more impossible to imagine than any of my other predictions really intrigues me.

ok, I just finished reading it now. my prediction was nothing exciting, but I'm not disappointed. I'm actually smiling this huge smile and probably look really retarded if anyone's looking at me. but I don't care - the memories of then come flooding back with all the bittersweet feelings that I'm so glad I'm not experiencing anymore, but rather looking back and smiling on...

...but now, as an afterthought, I realize that all this really makes me want to do is cry. and I don't know why. maybe because as awful and wonderful as it all was, and as much as I would do anything to never go back to it, ...I want to go back to it. but know that I never can. it's as though my soul mourns for that other part of me - that past me. but that past me is still here somewhere, though perhaps altered. and that part cries out for its original self, only its original self no longer exists, not only does it not exist in the present, but even the traces to its past have vanished.

it's kinda ironic that I happen to be sitting here in the self-improvement section. I mean, seriously, how many Chicken Soup for the Soul books can they make?! I mean, they've got one for the jewish soul, the romantic's soul, for the prisoner's soul, and not only the teenager's soul (I, II, and III), but also for the christian teen, the pre-teen, and specifically the teenage soul on love and relationships and "tough stuff" (I'm not even going to pretend to know what's in there, because in my opinion, everything is "tough" and wouldn't fit into a book).

why are there so many self-help books? do they really help anything? do any of them really say anything that the one next to it doesn't say using other words? I mean, even what I'm writing right now is basically just different combinations of the same thing these books are trying to express.

I wish I had a word for what I'm talking about right now. but it's almost as if this thing that I'm meaning and can't find a word for is the very thing I live my life searching for - this underlying thing underlying the thing underneath that,...which keeps perpetuating underneath the underlying until there is no place else to go. what's down so deep that nothing can be deeper? THAT's what I want a word for.

but I can't get caught up in this thinking anymore because A) it leads me nowhere, except maybe into depression and B) I need to now predict for Nov. 4, 2004. this will be hard.

and now for a really random happening today...I was in the grocery store today and this person walked up to me who was wearing a beanie and had their lip pierced and asked if I happened to have any feminine products on me. at first I was wondering if this guy was asking for his girlfriend and what kind of teenage guy would do that(?!) and then I realized that this person wasn't a guy at all! I felt really, really dumb, and I mean, it was just an awkward situation in and out of itself! she said something about how they had quit selling them in the bathroom. I mean, I had no problem handing over a tampon I had in my purse and actually should have handed her both that I had. how embarrassing having to ask a total stranger for a tampon! actually, it seems almost too embarrassing...I hope I wasn't part of some weird scavenger hunt or something...

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