2001-11-11 4:22 p.m.
this monotony that is my life
It's been awhile since my last entry. I'd been trying to get on diaryland for the past few days, but for some reason I kept getting an error accescing the URL or something.
Anyways, I'm back now!!! I've been missing my good ole diaryland diary! :)
Well, I can't believe that this week is compleatly over and here I am about to start another. I started off the week being bored and not having anything to do, but finished the week non-stop and having to much to do. Thurs. alone I spent about 8 hrs. in one computer lab and another 3 1/2 hrs. in another computer lab editing a video project.
I've been in a weird mood this weekend. I'm nervous about this possible internship I may do next semester. EVERYTHING will change if I'm not here next semester. I'd have to give up two leadership positions I'm currently in, plus the oppourtunity of several more that I will miss if I'm not here next semester. I'll have to find someone to take over my lease, figure out what happens with my student loans since I won't be a full-time student, figure out where I would live and how I would get there. I'm almost crazy for doing this. But, I need to. It's the only way I can break the chains which are keeping me trapped into doing the same thing I've been doing day-after-day for the past 2 1/2 yrs and would continue doing for the next 1 1/2 yrs. I don't know how people will react to me, and in a way, I don't care.
I haven't done a thing this semester, it seems. It's already nearing crunch time at the end of the semester, and when I look back, I realize that my semester has consisted of days. That's all. No events. No dates. No big surprises. No parties. Nothing but days. Days that even though they ended just seemed to continue into the next. This is the first semester I haven't gone home once. I actually miss my family. It's crazy.
I need to go to California next semester, Just to break this monotomy that is my life.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.