2001-11-12 2:18 p.m.

if I could create a word that meant absolutely 'nothing, just empty space' that's the word I would use here

I'm getting kinda depressed again.

I feel like I have so much to do and no desire to do it and everything is all piling up over on top of me and it just ends up pushing me deeper into this apathetic mood.

I got an email from my mom asking me not to talk to my younger sisters about Harry Potter anymore and not to bring the books into 'her' house when I come home for Christmas. Why are some people like this? why does my own family have to be like this?

What are you supposed to do when you start to feel like this? my life really isn't that bad, but why do I hardly ever seem to enjoy it? and yet, I do enjoy it a lot of times, but well, everything seems so purposeless. Should I even go and look for meaning? am I the only one who feels like this, like I don't even want to type these words in here, because I don't care. how do I care? I want to care. I hate writting like this because I really am not like this all the time. I know who I am and yet I don't. Is all of life like this? I don't understand things. I don't understand why I get depressed. People say it's a chemical reaction, but in a way, if I were to know that all these feelings were something out of my control, if would make it seem even more that all this is without a purpose. At least, if I keep thinking that I feel like this for a reason or that I've done this to myself, then there will be meaning in feeling like this. I think I would be more upset knowing that I'm just a random person who's chemical inbalances got screwed up and that its not my fault whatsoever.

Am I making any sense here? not that I care, actually. I have a class in half an hour. I don't want to, I have absolutley no desire to get myself out of this chair and to class, yet, I know that once I get there and start doing something, I feel a litttle less like this.

Do other people feel the same way? is this what depression feels like to everyone? do I just have a bunch of bad days? see, I could snap myself out of this. It's not that I'm somehow trapped into feeling like this. It's that I don't care enough to snap myself out of this.

I don't get depressed as much as I get apathetic, about everything. is that what depression is? not caring about anything, and yet, somehow still carrying the guilt from the fact that I don't care about anything?

should I go and get help? yeah, I know all the people who are great and never have problems with depression just automatically think that depressed people should take medication and get therapy or whatever. But does that really help?

It seems to me if I was to go to someone and get help, or take medication, all that would do is bring about more trouble. If my family was to find out...my sisters who look up to me would stop...friends would stop being friends...who wants to hire a depressed person...I'd lose any respect I have for the positions I hold...people would constantly bombard me with "I'll pray for you" or try to talk to me about God...life would actually probably just suck more than it does now. how would my family handle it? god, my mother can't even handle Harry Potter books!

I don't know how to describe what I want to right now. I want to cry, as though I know that a good cry would heal all of this, but I can't cry. I never can.

I know in a few hours or even maybe tomorrow, I will feel much better and probably look down on this article with embarassment that I let myself sink low enough to actually write it. And that sucks worst of all!! What am I suppose to do? Suck it all up all the time and pretend life is great? I hate pretending, although it's what's I do with a lot of my life.

I really am not always like this.

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