Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2006 2:18 p.m.
this should be my postsecret...
I'm still bitter at my younger sister. or actually, bitterness might not be the right word. jealous might fit better.
but I still am. I've always been jealous. and I think she thrives on - in the smallest way, perhaps so hidden that she'll never admit it, even to herself - making others jealous and feeling as though she is more successful than them.
and surprisingly enough, it's even worked on me.
I see her with him, smiling, perfectly, as though they are the photographs that come in the picture frames when you buy them. they are epitome of how a nice, christian, texan girl is supposed to end up - married to a rich rancher's son, living in their brand new 3-bedroom house, stylish, perky, a perfect host. she's the young, texan equivalent of martha stewart.
seeing her, seeing both of them, in pictures with the rest of my family back at home - this is what makes me bitter. I feel as though I'm being pushed out, somehow. as though I wasn't good enough to live the dream that she succeeded at, as though I am just the wayward one who moved out to califonira and got married to a non-texan and who, if I have kids, will raise them far away from their grandparents and cousins.
I look at my sister and see all the things I think my family wants. and all the things I am not.
this is stupid, I know. I do not want to be in texas, I do not want to be living that life. I do not want my life to revolve around church, and social obligations, and pretending to be perfect and sweet and friendly. I do want the life I have chosen.
but I'm still jealous.
and I secretly hope she gets pregnant before me. I want her to become boring and motherly - I want to feel that, for once in life, I have something better than she does.
I know I am an evil person for writing this. but sometimes it feels good to let out the things that are inside.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.