Friday, Nov. 18, 2005 11:41 a.m.
it's like I'm always stoned
I went to go see the band spoon last night. I haven't been to a concert in forever.
a million thoughts went through my head. mostly memories of things going on in my life when I listened to their albums...when I first discovered them, the reality shows I worked on, the people I knew, the small time of my life that I didn't share on here, and yet the vast importance that time played in my life.
I remembered that lonely hotel room in the castle place outside of oxford we stayed in. I remembered flights to hong kong, and being awake in the middle of the night, trying to fully realize that my body said it was one time and the moonlight said another...and what the concept of time actually was. I remember reading atlas shrugged and then buying the fountainhead at the airport in Johannesburg. I remembered being consumed with focus on my individual self. I remember heathrow airport and how many times we flew in and out of that place.
I remember the drive in the old beat up pickup truck down winding scary dark dirt roads with some africian guy we had hired to be a driver to the place where the cast was staying. it was just us. alone. watching the sunset on the safari. the driver guy telling me in broken english about god or christianity. or something. I remember the market in morocco. I remember the smells. I remember thinking the arabic stop signs looked like two men in a canoe. I remember trying to ask people in the marketplace who had gotten on camera to sign a release. they didn't speak enlglish or understand american legalities of course, yet my american job required me to get their approval.
I remember so so so much more. but from all the experiences, the thing that stands out most is how individualistic I felt from everything. I felt alone. my own person. ayn rand was pumping through my veins. I felt I could never be normal again.
I came home, broke up with my best guy friend, who happened to be in love with me, went on unemployment (and stayed on it for 4 months), and discovered my life was utterly directionless.
this was about a little over a year ago.
I am now married to that guy. in a different career. working in what seems to be the most settled of all occupations: education. I'm no longer directionless.
but only cause I finally chose a direction and decided to stick with it.
sometimes I wonder if I chose right - or if there was even a right or wrong choice to have been made.
sometimes I wonder if part of me was left in africa.
and then other times I think that it's a shame that other people have to get stoned to think as intensely as I think about everything in life.
and then I paid attention to the concert again. I don't think anyone even knew I had mentally left.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.