Sunday, Nov. 20, 2005 11:08 p.m.
satisfactory love
he talks, but I don't hear. I stare, bewildered. those eyes. blue. knowing me. loving me. trusting me...knowing me. seeing me as no one else can. x-rays into my being. I'm naked before him, far more than just physically.
I love looking at him best in a dark theatre, sideways glance, in the faint blueish light. he doesn't notice me then, so I'm free to stare.
I can't stop looking. the reality won't sink in.
how am I lucky enough to have this?
a preview came on, some tale about passion and love. a wife leaving her comfortable husband and life in search of a passionate affair with a mysterious stranger.
it seemed a shame to me, right then, what some people seek when they seek 'love': passion, sex, meaning to life. we are on a constant search for the one who satisfies us most, becoming dissatisfied with the one we thought we loved when we suddenly decide we need more.
I think back on the time when I looked at him, not with repulsion, but with non-attraction. I thought I wanted something more, I thought there might be someone better out there, I didn't think he was my type.
yesterday, he sat in the waiting room 6 hours. he led me down the hall as I left and could barely see, both from the dilation and the fear of opening my eyes. he ran back in to get the bathroom key for me when I had to go. he made me a brownie with mint chocolate chip ice cream and chocolate sauce. he tucked me in bed. when he went to his best friends birthday dinner, he called me and woke me when it was time to put my eyedrops in. he drove me to my post-op today and listened to my constant marvel at the buildings I could see and the billboards I could read.
one of my friends sent around one of those little email survey things recently. one of the questions was: "Have you ever loved someone so much that it made you cry?" I didn't send the survey back, but if I had, this answer would have been: yes.
I somehow love him more every day. at times, it even hurts.
I'm pretty sure that if he ever died, I would kill myself. he's become such a part of my life that his void would destroy me.
Sometimes I wonder in those movies what's going to happen in several years when the 'runaway wife' no longer has the same passion for the no-longer-mysterious stranger she left her husband for. will there be another movie about her new passion?
are we just suppose to live for that new passion and 'update' when growing old?
I don't think I'm saying this as well as I mean, but it just makes me sad to see people dissatisfied with love, and especially marriage. I think perhaps that people have unrealistic expectations about life and love...and that makes them unable to appreciate all the little things that love really is.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.